Sunday, January 01, 2006

2005 Jigsaw Puzzle

At the eve of New Year, I cannot ignore the need to assess the events of the retiring 2005. I don't know what dramatic influence came into me. I imagined the passing year as a jigsaw puzzle on its completion as 2005 and 2006 overlaps .

2005 was on an off start. It was a mirage of hopes and cloaked lies since the setting of year 2004. It is an ill-starred event that I became cognizant of all these mean guises. February was not a favorable month for me. It was such a jinxed month. I lost my wallet, and along with it, I lost a great amount of cash, memories, cards and identity. That same month, I almost died too due to anaphylaxis. The closest encounter with death I've ever had. It was, although, the event that brought me to my senses. It was an omen. I was just too inattentive to recognize the previous signs that it had to be that way.

I guess when you love, you are blinded. Everything that exist seem to pass out of existence. I desisted to rationalize and became too emotionally attatched. I claimed ownership of a love that was never mine. I was sightless and aimless and almost lifeless.

Overcoming anaphylaxis means cheating death. But a death in me was due. I became a different person. A part of me died, with it I bury all the sadness, pain, anger, regrets and everything else that is pulling me apart. I buried even the thought of the only person (not including relatives) I love for he refuses to make a decision.

There you go, my very first pieces of 2005. Not a promising picture.

Over summer, I met a few acquaintances. A brief but influential "just passing by" individuals. They were my beacons to my life's little alteration. I met two interestingly sweet guys but I know there's nothing more to that. Now, I reflect on their importance to me, they taught me to "take it easy" because I may have been really "uptight". Maybe, I overplanned or overmapped my life and as we all know OVER is never ENOUGH it is always TOO MUCH. So I need a little tweaking. I'm not saying I threw planning to the bin but right now, I worry less and I embrace the present more.

As summer ends, I kept the company of my acquaintances. I was dragged to unfamiliar places . I was dragged to Xaymaca (Timog). The highlight of the year 2005. There, I sought refuge from the past traumatic events. There, I found myself. I set my foot there and I felt like a seed growing leaves one after the other and bloomed. I was different. Happy, content and not worrying at all. Everything in Xaymaca seem to be conducive in my growth. I seek nurture every Friday.

New friends, new place and new life.

I look again at the puzzle pieces that i make out of 2005. Half way through, it looked better than I thought it would be. The pieces make sense now.

I remember a night while I was going to Xaymaca to watch Brownman Revival, the driver asked me,

"Saan ang shooting?" and I was like a bit swayed and replied,
" Manong, di po sa GMA mismo, sa Xaymaca lang. Gigimik lang po."
I know he was mocking me because he even asked,
"Ala ka pa asawa no? Asan ang BF mo?".
Irritated, I answered back, "Wala po." and let out an irritated kind of laugh.
And he said shockingly, "Wala kang BF? Ang yabang mo namang dalaga."
I didn't really get what he meant by that. So it sort of became a buggling thought... Mayabang ang binibining walang BF?

Then, I it dawned into me, I am arrogant because I felt that I don't need a BF. I was so pleased to be on my own. I am content. No one seems to equate... Mayabang nga. ahahaha.

Simultaneously, I felt odd because I am not feeling any other emotion but just happiness and the sort of contentment. I haven't cried for a long time! I was stone-cold numb. I cannot help myself on that area for a long time but how I wanted to feel... human.

I was so indifferent to myself. Yet so accomodating to friends. I was very submissive but numb. I cannot even sympathize with break ups and love problems. If they talk to me about it, I listen and lay out a plan and not a tissue roll. I don't even read love quotes / messages until now.

I did falter on other areas. I lost inspiration to work. I'm burnt out. My mind toyed on leaving. What it is that I want is not so clear.

As 2005 marks its last days, I met a man by chance. The oddest of the oddest way to meet such an amazing individual. A passionate, romantic, quick-witted, driven, determined and cultured person. Practically, all I ever wanted for a man. Although, he is highly narcissistic. He is aware of the brilliance of his existence. He is not bashful to out-shine even the sun. I must say, he has changed. His narcissistic frequency lowered to the comfort zone of toleration. He isn't that hard to admire. In fact, he is very adorable.

I appreciate his influence in me. He cured me of my numbness. I regained my love for literature. I started writing again. I set my life back on course. Now, I found enough reason to pursue my goals.

Life is a sweet dance with destiny. I couldn't be more awed. I am thankful all these events have passed my life. I almost did not make it after the first quarter of 2005 but I did. I am delighted to find out that as the year sets for 2006 to rise, I lived to become a better, grounded yet ambitious, light-loaded person.

Before I lay my last jigsaw puzzle piece to complete year 2005. I will mark the last piece to remind me of your influence. I treasure you.

You naively asked me if you complete me. I find it hard to answer. I'm honest and I am not used to saying things just to sway people and make them blush with flattery. I don't want to feed the lion in you, as well.

But I must say, you sealed my 2005. I couldn't say you complete me because my life isn't done yet. As I live the days to come, if you are still with me then maybe the time would come that I'll tell you that you complete me. But that would be maddening to look forward to right now. At this point, I'd like it to be known that I look forward to see you and spend time with you.

There, my last piece. A part of you fits a part of me.

2 comments:

wangbuekis said...

wow!!!

a very wonderful article... hope to read more of ur posts...

email me if you have tym

jasmin said...

thanks wangbuekis ..glad you enjoyed reading