Thursday, December 22, 2005

want vs love

He was afraid that i'll fall for him but he wants me to want him?

He must be really bruised to settle for "want" than "love". I'm not desparate for love. I'm still hopeful and he revived that in me. He woke my heart in its sound retirement. Then he tells me he's afraid that i'll fall in love. Did I forget to describe him as an innate romantic, sensual and passionate man? Ironic.

Something is out of sorts in him.

He's wounded, beat up, and bargaining less than he's supposed to collect. I thought of the times I felt wounded and beat up and I did recall I was bargaining myself less than my worth. I went through those painful and excruiciating humiliation. No one knew about the embarrassment I endured. That humiliation took place in me. That was my inner battle. I got through it, forgave myself and I became a better person. So it is true, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

Now, I celebrate even the things ordinary. I live life as if I have never seen any of the places I go to everyday; as if i've not known the kids i teach everyday.

Forgiving is such a momentous event in my life. Theres no progress if forgiveness was neglected. Letting go is a form of forgiveness. A smile is also a form of forgivess. A kiss, a hug, flowers, cards are signs of forgieveness too. Why won't he let go of things blocking his happiness? I'm not assuming that it wouldo come from me..or that he must love me. I'm saying, He should love not just want.

It may seem like i am an uptight Catholic... I wish I am. But temptation exist. It existed before I was introduced to the world. He knows the ways and means to entice me. It is hard to stay focused on what I truly desire. I desire love. The one that lasts. I know that very well now.

I cried several times for a man who left me. I didn't know what I did wrong but as I forgave myself I thought, i didnt do anything wrong... they were just not meant for me. We were wrong for each other. At a snap, my worries are gone. Forgive and letting go...then you move on.

Now that I am done with too much partying. After my spirit was in total havoc, I see the better of things. I see the better of me and the people around me. I see hope in hopeless things. Things are clear to me, especially what my heart truly desires. I desire love.

In pursuit of that desire. It wasn't easy. I prayed hard for it and proved myself worthy of such gift. I was told, if I sacrifice and prayed sincerely, God would grant my wish. I wished for one lasting love. In return, I would remain chaste until the search is over.

How am I faring in pursuit of one lasting love?
I am getting along fine. I am celibate for almost a year and it isnt really hard taming hormones. Thinking of the promise makes it a lot bearable.

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