Monday, January 16, 2006

Pocketful of Rainbows

Pocketful of Rainbows
(Letra y música de Wise - Weisman)
I don't worryWhenever skies are gray above Got a pocketful of rainbowsGot a heart full of love
Mister HeartacheI've found a way to make him leaveGot a pocketful of rainbowsGot a star up in my sleeve
Kiss me extra tenderHold me extra tight'Cause I'm savin' your sweetnessFor a lonely night, ayeAye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye
No more teardropsNow that I've found a love so trueI got a pocketful of rainbowsGot an armful of you
Kiss me extra tenderHold me extra tight'Cause I'm savin' your sweetnessFor a lonely night, ayeAye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye
No more heartachesNow that I've found a love so trueGot a pocketful of rainbowsAnd an armful of you

Friday, January 06, 2006

Lost (E.C.)

I am lost but I am too arrogant to admit my oafishness; on where I am going, or at the least, what state I am now.

I am embarrassed because tonight isn't my first time to be in this area. Standing at this familiar block at this particular street. I know I have passed this way before. I have been here many times, I recall. I stopped counting after 10.

I remember driving around with some guy. We were lost too. I shared memorable kisses worthy of 'Best Kiss' Award. But I wonder, why? Why is it everytime I find myself here, I am lost. It is the same story; only, different leading man.

The story started and ended in the same place. Not simultaneously; though, one after the other. If I was paid like Julia Roberts, I would be a grand miillionaire for all the love stories ---gone bad.

But I am not a movie star. Although, It is my story.

Never heard anything from my past leading men since. As certain as that, I am surely lost again.

I wonder too, how well they are all doing now. Something about this place that causes amnesia to those who dare to drift here. Forgetting is most often the ending.

Had I known that there was a 'No Entry Sign', I wouldn't have dared to set foot here. Although, I thought, I might have just missed the sign because I was preoccupied with flirting with my then leading man.

SEE! I have been here many times! And I find myself lost... again. What has caused this place to be wrapped in poignant enigma. Who would cast a spell like this? I've seen many others, that seem to be, as lost as I am. Disorriented... so confused.

Tonight, you are my leading man. Lead me somewhere that is not here, i wish. Seem like we are lost nowhere but we could be actually lost somewhere. Somewhere seems promising than nowhere. The only exact location I could say about my whereabouts is that, I am right beside you and u are so close beside me.

You seem content to hold my hand. Content to gaze into my eyes. Eager for another kiss. It doesn't even matter to you that we are lost. In fact, you seem to be amused with the thought of being lost.

You're teasing me again. You keep on pushing that I am into you. Yet while you are saying it, I kind of heard you say... you are into me. I didn't hear it well though, I am not confident about what I heard. So, I stir the voice and the thought away.

I wonder, how we will make this place our own? So, we could say we aren't lost anymore. We could say, we are where we are supposed to be; HOME.
Maybe, that's possible, -isn't it?

Leaving this place? I don't know how. Although, I know finding our way out of this place would make me see you lucidly. Flaws and feathers. Finding our way out would mean revelation. The story, afterall, may not always end up in the confines of this lost city. Maybe our story will not end up like what I had with the other leading men.

Enchanting isn't it. At some point in our lives, we have been frequenting this place. But today is special for both of us. Today, I am lost with you.

Did that sound comforting to you? I find it a bit conforting but a lot more alarming.

LOST.. scary but with you it is kind of comforting... for a while.

I admit, my sense of direction is bad. Now, I found the courage to ask you, to look into your eyes, to see the destination you are hoping to go to.

"Where are we going?"
"What state is it?"
"What state is between infatuation and love? "
"I think, we are lost somewhere in between."

*Experimental Composition

Sunday, January 01, 2006

2005 Jigsaw Puzzle

At the eve of New Year, I cannot ignore the need to assess the events of the retiring 2005. I don't know what dramatic influence came into me. I imagined the passing year as a jigsaw puzzle on its completion as 2005 and 2006 overlaps .

2005 was on an off start. It was a mirage of hopes and cloaked lies since the setting of year 2004. It is an ill-starred event that I became cognizant of all these mean guises. February was not a favorable month for me. It was such a jinxed month. I lost my wallet, and along with it, I lost a great amount of cash, memories, cards and identity. That same month, I almost died too due to anaphylaxis. The closest encounter with death I've ever had. It was, although, the event that brought me to my senses. It was an omen. I was just too inattentive to recognize the previous signs that it had to be that way.

I guess when you love, you are blinded. Everything that exist seem to pass out of existence. I desisted to rationalize and became too emotionally attatched. I claimed ownership of a love that was never mine. I was sightless and aimless and almost lifeless.

Overcoming anaphylaxis means cheating death. But a death in me was due. I became a different person. A part of me died, with it I bury all the sadness, pain, anger, regrets and everything else that is pulling me apart. I buried even the thought of the only person (not including relatives) I love for he refuses to make a decision.

There you go, my very first pieces of 2005. Not a promising picture.

Over summer, I met a few acquaintances. A brief but influential "just passing by" individuals. They were my beacons to my life's little alteration. I met two interestingly sweet guys but I know there's nothing more to that. Now, I reflect on their importance to me, they taught me to "take it easy" because I may have been really "uptight". Maybe, I overplanned or overmapped my life and as we all know OVER is never ENOUGH it is always TOO MUCH. So I need a little tweaking. I'm not saying I threw planning to the bin but right now, I worry less and I embrace the present more.

As summer ends, I kept the company of my acquaintances. I was dragged to unfamiliar places . I was dragged to Xaymaca (Timog). The highlight of the year 2005. There, I sought refuge from the past traumatic events. There, I found myself. I set my foot there and I felt like a seed growing leaves one after the other and bloomed. I was different. Happy, content and not worrying at all. Everything in Xaymaca seem to be conducive in my growth. I seek nurture every Friday.

New friends, new place and new life.

I look again at the puzzle pieces that i make out of 2005. Half way through, it looked better than I thought it would be. The pieces make sense now.

I remember a night while I was going to Xaymaca to watch Brownman Revival, the driver asked me,

"Saan ang shooting?" and I was like a bit swayed and replied,
" Manong, di po sa GMA mismo, sa Xaymaca lang. Gigimik lang po."
I know he was mocking me because he even asked,
"Ala ka pa asawa no? Asan ang BF mo?".
Irritated, I answered back, "Wala po." and let out an irritated kind of laugh.
And he said shockingly, "Wala kang BF? Ang yabang mo namang dalaga."
I didn't really get what he meant by that. So it sort of became a buggling thought... Mayabang ang binibining walang BF?

Then, I it dawned into me, I am arrogant because I felt that I don't need a BF. I was so pleased to be on my own. I am content. No one seems to equate... Mayabang nga. ahahaha.

Simultaneously, I felt odd because I am not feeling any other emotion but just happiness and the sort of contentment. I haven't cried for a long time! I was stone-cold numb. I cannot help myself on that area for a long time but how I wanted to feel... human.

I was so indifferent to myself. Yet so accomodating to friends. I was very submissive but numb. I cannot even sympathize with break ups and love problems. If they talk to me about it, I listen and lay out a plan and not a tissue roll. I don't even read love quotes / messages until now.

I did falter on other areas. I lost inspiration to work. I'm burnt out. My mind toyed on leaving. What it is that I want is not so clear.

As 2005 marks its last days, I met a man by chance. The oddest of the oddest way to meet such an amazing individual. A passionate, romantic, quick-witted, driven, determined and cultured person. Practically, all I ever wanted for a man. Although, he is highly narcissistic. He is aware of the brilliance of his existence. He is not bashful to out-shine even the sun. I must say, he has changed. His narcissistic frequency lowered to the comfort zone of toleration. He isn't that hard to admire. In fact, he is very adorable.

I appreciate his influence in me. He cured me of my numbness. I regained my love for literature. I started writing again. I set my life back on course. Now, I found enough reason to pursue my goals.

Life is a sweet dance with destiny. I couldn't be more awed. I am thankful all these events have passed my life. I almost did not make it after the first quarter of 2005 but I did. I am delighted to find out that as the year sets for 2006 to rise, I lived to become a better, grounded yet ambitious, light-loaded person.

Before I lay my last jigsaw puzzle piece to complete year 2005. I will mark the last piece to remind me of your influence. I treasure you.

You naively asked me if you complete me. I find it hard to answer. I'm honest and I am not used to saying things just to sway people and make them blush with flattery. I don't want to feed the lion in you, as well.

But I must say, you sealed my 2005. I couldn't say you complete me because my life isn't done yet. As I live the days to come, if you are still with me then maybe the time would come that I'll tell you that you complete me. But that would be maddening to look forward to right now. At this point, I'd like it to be known that I look forward to see you and spend time with you.

There, my last piece. A part of you fits a part of me.

My Destined Dance

We are all moving in circles,
like the planets in their own revolution.
We are, you and me, are like marbles;
aimed and bumped each other,
by force.
Like comets crashing.
With or the lack of gravity.
How could living be a bore?
If everyday is a play of chance.
If everyday is a dance with destiny.
If one day, i dance,
with my destined chance.