Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'd Still Want to Meet Him

I guess I got in to "this" too deep already. I hope we are both at the same page or, at the least, mature enough to handle the situation.

Sure, I know how to guard my heart. Although, I don't know why I got myself into this. There's nothing there for me, at least something I need or want (and please, don't say love). Hmmm, hold on, I remember. I'm bored being numb and whether to feel love or feel pain, is not important at the moment. What matters is that I feel -I am alive.

There is a certain thrill in not knowing what is beyond the eyesight. The imagination flashes multitudinous scenarios. Situations vary from appealing to appalling. Which among these scenarios is most likely to happen? -I dont know but I'd like to know some day as it happens.

Risking never equates to a loss or waste. In risking, it is a display of nude courage. A humbling kind of courage as I strip off all pretense that clothes me. It is humbling to be seen nude as I -possibly- would be at the spotlight of ridicule. It takes courage to be in that kind of spotlight. But I know I would not regret whatever happens nor would I blame others of my own decision or action. (To others: so don't tell me what to do and what not to do, okay?)

It has been a difficult week between us. There is too much suspiscion and intolerance. Hokey, at least on my part. I'm at the point where I am doubting his sincerity. Is he really interested in knowing me or he's just making schemes. I've been discerning if we are friends at all, if we were then it is far being ideal. We were more like flirting and I've never been tolerant with men falling on this category. --not long enough, at the most.

In spite of the doubts I stated above, months of conversation with him kind of made me see through his guise. I saw that we were not really different. We are just the same, bruised yet enchantingly amazing seers and searchers. Afraid of the same things, burned by the same flame, hopeful of God's graces, wanting to be better. We are just the same. Thingking about it, this is the very reason why I endured the blows being the ear to his resentments, self-gratification and fantasies... hehehe.

But like I said, we are just the same. I'd like someone to hear me out but he's wearing earplugs and he is not beside me and even if he is, he may not want to listen.

It is that frustrating...sometimes.

B-): well you don't really know what i'm going through
;;)08: and thats true
B-): well.. you're the first lady i met who has been adamant to get to know me
B-): to really try to delve and understand who i am
;;)08: and honestly, it isnt easy
B-): lol
;;)08: yeah
We still talk, less these days. When he gets here, I'd still want to meet him even when he brings pain. When he leaves, the pain goes too.

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