Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Yet again, I am humbled.

Why does it happen this way. This way: when you lose something, that the time you see how valuable that was.

I quit work. (Now I lack discipline, hardwork, patience, perseverance and the list goes on and on) I quit work because my weekends are gone. I work 6 days in a week. I only have Sunday but saan naman ako makakapunta (out of town) kung Sunday lang ang pahinga?

So Quit I did.

After a week of not working, here's what I realized. The trade off. MY FUTURE DREAMS. Damn shit.

I feel even worse, a friend of mine told me, "well, the best breaks in life are always disguising as hardwork, or sacrafice, or burden...but if u really take the opportunity and face it head on u wil realiz dat its really worth the trip. Besides, its not the destination that matters most but the journey. U just figure out what u want in life and u will be happy. GOOD LUCK"

Please give me back my work. I'll stop complaining.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

In Two Words

I'M HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Just Another Boy Issue

I'm probably wrong. Wrong about everything that happened that night. So i'll stop looking back to it and stop wondering what might have happened. It's making me crazy.

Friday, February 16, 2007

What if you were confronted by love when you least expect it, how would you respond?
Will you wait months and see what happens? Even knowing the fact that the longer the wait, the interest dies a natural death?

Passion is like a dark room with only a lit candle. If you do not have enough candles to replace the spent one, there's just no way in keeping the room lit. You spark another flame to sustain passion. Waiting does nothing to make things happen.

That's it to me. Waiting bores me. I don't understand why you have to wait until the he reveals his feelings first before you do?

I am not clueless and that I know shouldn't...
Because guys love to chase.
Because your love might not be requited.
Because Because Because you'll get hurt hurt hurt.

aw.. but still.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Three Cursed Hours

Three cursed hours. Three hours and my life is disoriented. I do not even know how to end this paragraph after two glasses of vino rosso and three spent cigarettes.

Although those hours crippled me in some way, I would not take it back.

I felt fate played a good one on me this time. I took a year of sabbatical from the monotony of work and took solace from different shores and wondered about a crazy man who would leave the city and live simply. I gave up on it. Only to meet him on my last night of my sabbatical year.

We only have three hours.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I met him but I am bound to leave.

How could he know the right introduction. He could have introduced himself as what he does for a living and I wouldn't be so drawn to him. But he introduced himself as the crazy man who left the city to live in Bora and I finally met the man I wondered about all year long. Just when I'm ready to let it go.

I'm back in Manila. But my thoughts are like little sailboats that are lifted from their anchors and the wind blows them farther from the shore from where I am and sails closer to where he is. But I am just dreaming. The wind is not an ally but a temptress. A treacheous one.

In reality, my fascination is just that. In reality, im the crazy one not him. In reality, I do not consider those hours cursed but enchanted.

Fate is fate but it was I who smiled and it was him who ran after me.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Of Plato and Neruda

There are many lores about the nature of man. Human beings as male and female. I do not seek the scientific and the obvious reason of our existence. It the nature of humans of restlessness that interests me. Why we have the need to go places. The urge to move and seek for something we are not certain of in the first place -we wander, wander and wander until we feel lost but on the contrary we are so close to what we sought after without any clue. This one is my favorite. It is an attempt to understand why we do what we do.

As Plato would have it, here it goes.

The original human nature was not like how it is now, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now but three to be exact; the man, the woman and the union of the two. There was a name for this double nature of man but it was lost and the only preserved word to it, that is known to most of us, is 'Androgynous'.

The primeval man was round; his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two reproductive organs, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast.

Now the sexes were three, and such as I have described them; because the sun, moon, and earth are three; and the man was originally the child of the sun, the woman of the earth, and the man-woman of the moon, which is made up of sun and earth, and they were all round and moved round and round like their parents. Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods. The celestial councils were gathered. Should they kill the mortals they took care of or not but at last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way.

He said: " I think I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg."

He spoke and cut men in two, like a sorb-apple which is halved for pickling, or as you might divide an egg with a hair; and as he cut them one after another, he bade Apollo give the face and the half of the neck a turn in order that the man might contemplate the section of himself: he would thus learn a lesson of humility. Apollo was also bidden to heal their wounds and compose their forms. So he gave a turn to the face and pulled the skin from the sides all over that which in our language is called the belly, like the purses which draw in, and he made one mouth at the centre, which he fastened in a knot (the same which is called the navel); he also moulded the breast and took out most of the wrinkles, much as a shoemaker might smooth leather upon a last; he left a few, however, in the region of the belly and navel, as a memorial of the primeval state.

After the division the two parts of man, each desiring his other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one, they were on the point of dying from hunger and self-neglect, because they did not like to do anything apart; and when one of the halves died and the other survived, the survivor sought another mate, man or woman as we call them, -- being the sections of entire men or women, -- and clung to that. They were being destroyed, when Zeus in pity of them invented a new plan: he turned the parts of generation round to the front, for this had not been always their position, and they sowed the seed no longer as hitherto like grasshoppers in the ground, but in one another; and after the transposition the male generated in the female in order that by the mutual embraces of man and woman they might breed, and the race might continue; or if man came to man they might be satisfied, and rest, and go their ways to the business of life: so ancient is the desire of one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, making one of two, and healing the state of man. Each of us when separated, having one side only, like a flat fish, is but the indenture of a man, and he is always looking for his other half. Men who are a section of that double nature which was once called Androgynous are lovers of women; adulterers are generally of this breed, and also adulterous women who lust after men: the women who are a section of the woman do not care for men, but have female attachments; the female companions are of this sort. But they who are a section of the male follow the male, and while they are young, being slices of the original man, they hang about men and embrace them, and they are themselves the best of boys and youths, because they have the most manly nature. Some indeed assert that they are shameless, but this is not true; for they do not act thus from any want of shame, but because they are valiant and manly, and have a manly countenance, and they embrace that which is like them. And these when they grow up become our statesmen, and these only, which is a great proof of the truth of what I am saying. When they reach manhood they are lovers of youth, and are not naturally inclined to marry or beget children, -- if at all, they do so only in obedience to the law; but they are satisfied if they may be allowed to live with one another unwedded; and such a nature is prone to love and ready to return love, always embracing that which is akin to him.

And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment. Suppose Hephaestus, with his instruments, to come to the pair who are lying side by side and to say to them, "What do you people want of one another?" they would be unable to explain. And suppose further, that when he saw their perplexity he said: "Do you desire to be wholly one; always day and night to be in one another's company? for if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one, and while you live a common life as if you were a single man, and after your death in the world below still be one departed soul instead of two -- I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire, and whether you are satisfied to attain this?" -- there is not a man of them who when he heard the proposal would deny or would not acknowledge that this meeting and melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very expression of his ancient need.

And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love. I believe that if our loves were perfectly accomplished, and each one returning to his primeval nature had his original true love, then our race would be happy. And if this would be best of all, the best in the next degree and under present circumstances must be the nearest approach to such a union; and that will be the attainment of a congenial love. Wherefore, if we would praise him who has given to us the benefit, we must praise the god Love, who is our greatest benefactor, both leading us in this life back to our own nature, and giving us high hopes for the future, for he promises that if we are pious, he will restore us to our original state, and heal us and make us happy and blessed.

"I love you without knowing how, when or from where

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities nor pride

So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where there is no you or I

so close that your hand in my chest, is my hand

so close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep"

-Pablo Neruda

Friday, February 09, 2007

Island Boy

When I met him, it was the longest three hours of my life. The longest three hours that I don't want to miss out. It had to be the longest, it just had to be.

There were only a few people in Bom Bom's beach front last night. He was one of them. He was oddly sitting alone just a table away from us. Dragging a cig, hitting his bongos, laughing aloud, appears to be cuing the performers on stage, also appears to be minding us.

I was dying to light a cig too but the smart me forgot to bring lighter. I lit it one from the next table's candle. He did notice my odd behavior and comically commented, "Miss ingat ka, baka masunog kilay mo." Ofcourse, I found it funny and I laughed.

I admit, I took subtle glances at him because he was odd too. Loud and too homey. And he caught me several times. But maybe this is how it happened, he was stealing looks at us and I caught him several times. But who are we fooling? We both looked and both caught.

When I went inside the bar, he followed suit but he didn't speak to me. He just ah-looked. But I think I flashed him a smile and went back to the beach front with my company.

We were the last people to leave Bom Bom's and I thought it ends there.

We were heading already and a few meters farther from Bom Bom's he caught up with us. He introduced himself, I extended my hand and introduced everyone. It was really funny when I introduced my sister's bf because he acted like he was hit hard by something and said to me "Oh, you have a bf already" -that was funny.

When we reached home, I don't want him to go yet so I asked him to come in with us and I didn't wait for him to say no. He asked for coffee and cake as a joke but theres coffee and cake to be served and I served him a cup and a slice.

He met my family. It felt like he was a suitor being sized up. I like it. He was very corteous and amiable but he's sexy to me.

I'm really drawn to him. He's such a character. I only met him then but I'd like to know him more. He didn't take advantage of me even when we were alone but I knew it was due to his fear of the guards patrolling around. hahaha

We talked. He told me he's been staying in Bora for 9 months and has never been inside the place we were staying. He sounded so amazed about the structure of the house so I toured him by myself. I showed him the rooms, he commented about the lamp, the ceiling, the walls, the interior of each room but he didn't comment about the controversial Intercourse painting hanging on wall.

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Dawn

I'm not really a city girl. I live in a city but there isn't a day that I dream of coconuts, sand and sea. I've fantasized about living in Boracay for months or even years but I never did dare to do so alone. It is too risky for a lady to live alone in a paradise so alive with tourist, booze, bars, and you know what else might happen. I admit I am scared but I am not foolish to think that I am invincible. I am human and a woman and at that...fragile.

I took a year of self-proclaimed sabbatical. Hoping to find someone to join me in my madness to leave the city. I never found him. I never left the city. I guess, I really am the impulsive stubborn nut to nurse these fantasies of waking up every morning or afternoon (as I usually do) and the beach is so inviting. Swim. skim. surf. and yes of course work.

How time flies, a year has passed. I never found him. I never found someone insane enough to bite my fantasy. It's too crazy to be real...maybe...but possible.

I went to Boracay last Sunday. Trying to maximize the four days of stay there. I know when I get to Manila, I'll start working again... so I gotta immerse myself in this paradise.

Everything is wonderful as it is. There's just one thing, Soy Soltera. Why am I always alone on a paradise.

On our last night, I wanted to feast on the reggae vibe and booze. On that same night, the moon was round and full. On that same night, I met him. I met the fool who left the city to live in Boracay.

Time passed.
The conversation carried on long...longer
It was the longest dialogue, enchanting as an epic.

He stroked his palm across the henna tattoo inked on my back.
I want to feel it all over again.
He left at dawn.
I left Boracay.
Then he said,
"We will meet again, I'm sure."
and that, I know.

What's Your Seduction Style?