Spring

Carla teased me about how I deal with "crushies". I'm not denying that I am very vocal about the guys I like but I've also learned how to downplay it. I should because I'm a girl. I'm not sure if that really came out of my mind.

So I wonder, what's wrong with admiration? Why is it hard to admit an inclination towards someone? Why can't it be easy as saying you like this pair of shoes or that dress. Why can't it be acceptable to treat it the same way. Why can't it be socially acceptable behavior?

To me, its typical to admit admiration. It is not like I'm expecting each one of them to notice me nor am I afraid that I'll be rejected. It's just admiration. I lose nothing when I praise someone and I gain nothing when I hush about it. But the person will surely appreciate the thoughfulness, knowing he made a difference or an influence to me. I just had to let people know how significant they are to me.

Admiration, though, is not at the same note as love but it is almost infatuation. I acknowledge the fact that it is almost an infatuation but it is not love. It may be just a short lived Spring but it wouldn't hurt if I dance until the next season comes.

The Circle of Life

My friend let me read two related blog entries from amusing Filipino bloggers (Entry B was written in response to Entry A). Now, mine is Entry C.

The bottomline topic: female whining over male's uncontrollable behavior of souring sweet relationship for intentions of winning an upgraded woman ( bigger boobies, tigher tushies, great form... so they say)

"Men are jerks.", I quote from her.

Yep. Some men can be asses and we fall for it. But lets not put the entire blame on the weaker gender (JUST KIDDING!). Kidding but lets follow that premise. Women, known to be the stronger species, are bestowed of one essential gift. That gift is "intuition".

intuition defined as:

n 1: instinctive knowing (without the use of rational processes)
2: an impression that something might be the case;
3: immediate cognition
4: knowledge gained by the use of this faculty; a perceprive insight.

Women, if they listen to their inner self will hear their own voice of intuition.

I bet that with those jerks, you somehow heard the voice of intuition saying "He's not right."; but you shoved it to the most unlit part of your brain where you can not recognize it. That you somehow find the voice whispering and it is even harder to comprehend because of how loud everything else is. Everything is loud except the subtle soft-spoken intuition.
But still, the hard headed creature we truly are, find ourselves (arms and legs) all over "the man" then find out in the end that "the man" is actually "the jerk" after all. Then you hear the voice again, " Tsk tsk, You didn't listen. You know what was bound to happen" but of course, women, being the stronger species, knows how to heal herself. It is the art of forgiving.

There, I N T U I T I O N. You won't get that in any education or mall; seek your inner self and dust it off a little and you'll find it. Women have it but seldom use it. Then you know how to set the "the man" from "the jerks". Sheer intuition.

I think we have wandered too far. Let's anchor back.

Some women would hate me for saying this but I'll say it anyway. Men are such asses but women can be bitches too. Tagging men as such doesn't make women holy. It may seem so but not essentially. Where did the name calling begin? Because there was infidelity, pain and anger. Not male or female is absoluted with these ill emotions. In other words, Men and women feels the same pain at some point of their entire existence. In a direct manner, Men felt cheated, lied to, played on, etc.

From this point on until the end of this entry, I'll only speak on no one's behalf but me to avoid arguments.

I've felt cheated, lied to, played on and I chew on misery for a long time too. I blamed everything but me then. I blame the freaking meteor shower for I only wished for one thing: To spend life with him (the "then bf"). I was told a sighting of a shooting star ensures 1 wish. HELLO!!! I HAD A METEOR SHOWER! ahahaha.. and It still didn't work out. I blame the Fortune Tellers, the 3 pain in the ass fortune tellers. I bet they are 3 sisters stalking me. Each one told me that I'll marry 3 times. I WAS SO DAMN SCARED! So scared I forgot to live. But now, I'm living my life. So screw them bitches. I'll just have one groom, and marry him three times. Sucker romantic, kill me now. See, I blamed others until I got in touch with my inner self. Where my intuition resides.

Men felt the same things I've been through but I guess women whine about it often. Men have mastered a differen art of dealing with it.

Irregardless of gender, emotion is universal.

The bottomline here is the search for the one isn't a well laid asphalt and concrete road. It is more like what we have here in the Philippines (kumunoys and all...hey, I was goofing, ok) . So there are bumps and craters. So there is definitely pain, hurting others, lies etc before one could eventually find the better half.

You can't blame the ones who played prey for hurting when you had the part of the predator. But I hope the prey also realizes that their predator is also part of the menu of other creatures. It's the great circle of life

***Then start the Lion King intro song. AHAHAHAH

want vs love

He was afraid that i'll fall for him but he wants me to want him?

He must be really bruised to settle for "want" than "love". I'm not desparate for love. I'm still hopeful and he revived that in me. He woke my heart in its sound retirement. Then he tells me he's afraid that i'll fall in love. Did I forget to describe him as an innate romantic, sensual and passionate man? Ironic.

Something is out of sorts in him.

He's wounded, beat up, and bargaining less than he's supposed to collect. I thought of the times I felt wounded and beat up and I did recall I was bargaining myself less than my worth. I went through those painful and excruiciating humiliation. No one knew about the embarrassment I endured. That humiliation took place in me. That was my inner battle. I got through it, forgave myself and I became a better person. So it is true, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

Now, I celebrate even the things ordinary. I live life as if I have never seen any of the places I go to everyday; as if i've not known the kids i teach everyday.

Forgiving is such a momentous event in my life. Theres no progress if forgiveness was neglected. Letting go is a form of forgiveness. A smile is also a form of forgivess. A kiss, a hug, flowers, cards are signs of forgieveness too. Why won't he let go of things blocking his happiness? I'm not assuming that it wouldo come from me..or that he must love me. I'm saying, He should love not just want.

It may seem like i am an uptight Catholic... I wish I am. But temptation exist. It existed before I was introduced to the world. He knows the ways and means to entice me. It is hard to stay focused on what I truly desire. I desire love. The one that lasts. I know that very well now.

I cried several times for a man who left me. I didn't know what I did wrong but as I forgave myself I thought, i didnt do anything wrong... they were just not meant for me. We were wrong for each other. At a snap, my worries are gone. Forgive and letting go...then you move on.

Now that I am done with too much partying. After my spirit was in total havoc, I see the better of things. I see the better of me and the people around me. I see hope in hopeless things. Things are clear to me, especially what my heart truly desires. I desire love.

In pursuit of that desire. It wasn't easy. I prayed hard for it and proved myself worthy of such gift. I was told, if I sacrifice and prayed sincerely, God would grant my wish. I wished for one lasting love. In return, I would remain chaste until the search is over.

How am I faring in pursuit of one lasting love?
I am getting along fine. I am celibate for almost a year and it isnt really hard taming hormones. Thinking of the promise makes it a lot bearable.

ARROVO CHRONICLES

I have collected six Arrovo P100 Bills. I thought of keeping them the moment I got my first Arrovo Bill and account it here. Capture and keep track of what happened on that moment. The Arrovo hunt begins.

Arrovo Bill Chronicles

1st AB – from an ATM transaction
2nd AB – I got from my colleague.
3rd AB – from a colleague also
4th AB – change from Mocha Blends.
5th AB – from Titan.
6th AB - I got from my dad’s wallet ahahhaha
7th AB - I got from Mc Donalds

"Only Trust Your Heart"

Never trust the stars
When you're about to fall in love
Look for hidden signs before you start to sigh

Never trust the moon
When you're about to taste his kiss
He knows all the lines and he knows how to lie
Just wait for a night
When the skies are all bare and then
If you still care

Never trust your dreams
When you're about to fall in love
For you're dreams may quickly fall apart
So if you're smart
Really smart
Only trust your heart

that's how it is.

all i can say is ...

i feel.
i think about it.
i decide.
i let go.
i move on.

and its all good.

Girl From Ipanema

Olha que coisa mais linda,
mais cheia de graça
É ela menina
que vem que passa
Num doce balanço
caminho do mar

Moça do corpo dourado
do sol de Ipanema
O seu balançado
é mais que um poema
É a coisa mais linda
que eu já vi passar

Ah, porque estou tão sozinho
Ah, porque tudo e tão triste
Ah, a beleza que existe
A beleza que não é só minha
que também passa sozinha

Ah, se ela soubesse
que quando ela passa
O mundo sorrindo
se enche de graça
E fica mais lindo
por causa do amor

Tall and tan
and young and lovely
the girl from Ipanema
goes walking
and when she passes
each one she passes goes ahhh

When she walks
she's like a samba
that swings so cool
and sways so gently
that when she passes
each one she passes
goes ahhh

Oh, but he watches so sadly
How can he tell her he loves her
Yes, he would give his heart gladly
but each day when she walks to the sea
she looks straight ahead not at he

Tall and tan
and young and lovely
the girl from Ipanema
goes walking
and when she passes
he smiles but she doesn't see
she just doesn't see

Feed the Lion

Feed a man's ego and he asks for more. Its never enough. When you got nothing more to give. He'll feed on you without remorse. So I was wrong about love with no compromise. Hahaha. It doesn't exist. If it did, it lived only a day, that day.

I'm not even sure if there was anything between us. I'm still happy.

I commented on his entry about his ideal girl. It was a serious entry so I replied with a serious tone and to my dismay he made fun of it. So much for caring and feeding the lion.

Oh, earlier before i got online i made Coco's dinner (my mini dachshund) and I haven't done that for a long time because I was so busy with all sorts of things. I didn't realize why I was sentimental about feeding him tonight after I went online on YM. The lion was waiting to be fed. He is at such bad state. Feeling so bad about all sorts of things. I went to see his blog to find out more (if there was any there) . I found a new entry and I found a new comment re: his dream girl. He replied to my comment. I don't know if I'm wrong to dislike how he responded to it.

it went something like this:

jammygrl08 said...
yo * edited* i agree... for my premise i quote G.B. Shaw: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." "Hokey" ... i empathize. it is tragic to be self-righteous (i didnt use narcissistic anymore) and be left alone at times. i don't want to lose my identity either. I don't want my ideals be compromised and most especially i don't want to feel helpless.. but it is also my desire to have someone to share life with.. but that desire might put everything on the line. It is ceaseless to debate on which desire is greater . But i think the answer for it revolves only on RISK, CONTENTMENT and ACCEPTANCE

He said:
Surely u watch One Tree Hill. Hahaha

But i told him i didnt like what he just replied on my post and he changed it to:

He said...
there are so many things running in my mind at the moment, coupled with my recent mistake.i shouldn't have.. sigh.. i can't even say it.thanks for your thoughts jammy.

We've resolved it. But I thought, I should let him know what made me upset with it. It is not only him who commits this crime. Most men do. Men are like lions they would even eat the person who cares and feeds them. Men would ask for their ego be fed. Feed them and they'll ask for more until one is dry to the bones. After that, he'll think little of you and eat you too. So much for a symbiotic habitat.

I don't hate him. I just thought he should know his crime but he wouldn't want to know. I pushed and he got offline. I'm guilty of being blunt. The truth hurt. Saying the truth burns too.

I want him to know so he could work on it. He could be better if he helps himself. I can't change him and I won't. I'll just marvel on him.

Paradigm Shift

I phoned home and asked anyone is available to help me bring home all my students' present for me .... all 65 presents. I feel so high because 65 boys kissed me...lolz just kidding.

Ofcourse, I was very sentimental about everything earlier because I know that this will be my last Christmas there. It is time to move on. They were all sweet. I was so moved when some of my students last year came by my classroom to give something. Awwwwwwwwww...my heart melted. Is leaving the solution? It crossed my mind.

I just know I had to leave. I need to move on. I've learned what I needed to learn and I have imparted what I should impart to my students.

The party is over. I went out of the room and my friend saw that the young ex-crushie was staring at me. I didnt look at him at all. I don't want to. I HATE HIM! ahahaha. So he kept staring (My friend accounts his every move to me) ahahha what's this??? OBSESSION?
I thought he was going to follow us like he did several times. This time... he lingered a little bit and left without saying anything to me.

Gladys asked me if we did cross each other. We didnt! She nudged " Why don't you text him?" I said arrogantly, "I deleted his number? How could I possibly contact him? Besides I don't want to text him." She teased me, "But if you need his number, I still have it on my phone." I just said,"whatever", without a care.

But after several errands. I thought of him. I hate it. I hate the feeling. I can't ignore it anymore. I went back to Glady's room and I screamed in desparation, "What's his number?" Ghaaaaaaaad. Such desparation!

I know nothing can ever come out of this madness but I am still in it.

Help me.

I'll miss him stalking me and I miss stalking back at him ahahaha.

Living a May-fly Life

Three nights ago, i browsed upon a blog about May-flies http://sleepdreaming.blogspot.com/2004/12/may-flies.html#comments. It hit me. It wasn't a long entry but very substancial.
Somehow, i feel my life equates to that of a may-fly. Im only 23 but I know I won't live that long. I just know.

That is why I do every possible and even the most impossible things. Some hate me because of my guts but I don't have time to dwell on anger and pain. That's why it is easy to let go. I get hurt but I let go.

If I keep a record of all the sadness in my life, I wouldn't be living a life at all. It will eat me and keep all positive things out of my sight. Imagine, I am walking and not know how womderful it is to walk. Simple pleasures mean a lot to other people. That i know so well.

I wish people would see the essential things in life and celebrate it...everyday.

If i am just to live a quarter compared to the length of other people. It is fine with me. I am content and I am at peace with myself. If I hurt anyone unknowingly, I am sorry.

If I was a May-fly what would I do in one day?

I commented:

if i had just a day like the may-flies i would use every part of me. I would use my wings to bring me to places i thought i couldn't go to. I would use my senses and lavish on scents, variety of taste, the wind against my wings.. i would feel it all. At the end of the day which will be my destined end... i would leave a trace of my existence to the stretch of where i had been. It would be a well lived life... don't u think?

If I am to die soon. I hope I touched a lot of people and caused them great change.

Shoe

I went to the mall to get some treat for my students even if they behaved adversely. You just gotta love them. It's a love-hate relationship.

Having that intention to head the mall, it didn't go exactly that way. I ended up buying clothes. Ahahaha. I know. I feel guilty. But i did buy something for my sister... a cutie bag.

It took me a long time to convince Marco that the polo isn't so right for him... but i won and he bought the other one eventually. It took him 40 minutes to get cash from the ATM. But it was only two minutes after he left that Carla and I decided to go see other shops and so we did. My wallet was generous enough to bend to my self-indulgence (Hey! I deserve it.. i worked hard)

Tried 1 sytle of skirt but of different colors ( black, brown and purple). I decided to keep the black and return the other two. I got one blouse too. A bit expensive but it's Christmas... so it is justified just like that.

We went to another shop and a silvery shoe said "hi" and i checked her out. So nice. I asked for my size and i got it, tried it, strutted on it. It didnt feel nice as it looked. Something odd about it. I didnt buy it anymore.... it only looked nice.. it didnt fit well.

Is it a metaphor of what i am going through at a larger picture...of choosing a man? At least i'm on my best foot. I know that if it only looks nice but it didnt fit then its not mine.

uncertainty

I'm still not over Maroon 5 LSS. I find their songs steaming and enchantingly hot. Today, i am walking on clouds. I practically day dreamed! He has enchanted me. Oh Dear Lord, this better be real......... please.

I thought of peeking on his blog. Something new might be there and i found out there was.

(Honestly)He told me about those things before. Things that are so important to him. This time, on his blog he mentioned in detail what is his dream girl but who is she?

I don't want to be forward but could it be me?
I don't want to expect or come to a resolve but why am I flushing?
I don't want to act like I don't feel anything because I feel him intensely.
Is it me he's feeling so covertly. I know i do towards him.

The road is still long for us. Too early to get into anything.
If at all.

Smitten Lust

I've read his archived thoughts. I've read much already and i find them dark if not too mushy. Such a sucker. But i was shocked with what I read last night.

An entry of intimacy told passionately and at the same time detailed. He's really passionate and I'm so digging it. But he's such a narcissistic ass. I can't bear him sometimes but I'm smitten.

As if by accident. I come across this song by Maroon 5 - Woman. So sensual. I want it.........now.

If i'd be so inclined to climb up beside you

Would you tell me that the time just isn't right?

And if i ever find the key you hide so well

Will you tell me that i can spend the night?

Leaving your smell on my coat.

Leaving your taste on my shoulder.

I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

If i could bottle up the chills that you give me

I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.

And if i should ever draw a picture of a woman

It is you that would come flowing from my pen.

Leaving your clothes on the floor.

Making me walk out the door.

And i still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

Helplessly melting as i stand next to the sun.

As she burns me i'm screaming out for more.

Drink every drop of liquid heat that i've become.

Pop me open, spoon me out onto the floor.

Leaving your smell on my coat.

Leaving your taste on my shoulder.

I still fail to understand

Fail to understand.

Leaving your smell on my coat.

Leaving your taste on my shoulder.

I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

I hope it is with him.

Curst Quintessence

Declare my delusion and sue me
I’m guilty of chimeras
Animations of my fantasy
Covertly of you and me.

I am stirred intensely
My intuition, set adrift
I doubt my synapses
For delusive excitation consumes me
And I, I only cave in

This plagues me
That I envisage parcels of us adversely
From where you set footing
Dwell in fool’s paradise!
See what mirage blinds me
And spare me.
But would you rather
Relish how it is on my side.
How it is by my side.
Reside.

These may all be fallacy
But fools like me
Refuse to yield
Declare my delusion and sue me
Spare my sanity and cease the madness
Of you and me
For the sake of love and misery
Of lucidity and insanity.

Inescapable Collision

What is happening? Why is it so? I am not numb anymore. I feel the slightest energy, the slightest wave of a whisper. I feel its warmth and your breath tickles me. With you, distance is a trance defying geography. You are here in my arms, not far away.

Forgive me, if it is only real in my eyes. It is my fault to see only the things I want to see. I see you …with me. I am guilty of thinking of you – of feeling you.

The dawn is breaking,
A light shining through
You’re barely wake
And I’m tangled up
In you

Do you know that I’ve thoughts of holding your hand and your smile I fantasize of kissing? Conversations with you are as passionate as intimacy. It surpasses physical love. I’ve never felt that before but somehow, out of the bounds of human understanding and explanation, I knew it exist. There is a woven thread in my being that tells me so. I just know.

Now here you are the living proof of this kind of connection. A love without compromise and you know it. Others may not understand, but I am content that we both know it. There is no need for an explanation.

I am all over you. You are all over me. There is no escaping you now that I know you.

I’m open, you’re closed
I follow; you go
I worry I wont see
Your face
Light up again

If I may tell our story or to begin it at the least I would say it wasn’t promising. You didn’t say hi or even asked how I was. You just blurted things only about you. Such a narcissistic dog, I thought. In retribution i uttered, " I was amazed seeing my college crushie on your site.... he's really charming." Just to give you the hint that the sun is the center of the solar system not you. Whatever you have in ur narcissistic sytem, i don't care. Harsh but ofcourse i didnt tell you that... im good natured.

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow findYou and I collide

I loathe your insolence but i admire your confidence, shrewdness and sophistication. Someone like you is rare if not extinct. Thank you for letting me in your narcissistic sytem. Only then do I conceive where your arrogance roots. The pain, the falling, the breaking ... I had my share of these too. Now I understand. It is the communion of prose that binds us. I felt your pain too and I got through. I'll be your consort. If you let me.

I'm quiet you know

You make a frist impression

I've found

I'm scared

to know

I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow findYou and I collide

In decipherment of your of a fragment that makes you that way, I just listened. On guard of some jigsaw pieces of you. There has got to be a lot scattered. If I was vigilant, you might be complete.

I've read your journal. I am neither certain nor hesitant to know if you notice my existence as you unfold yourself to me. I am not even sure if you know that you are unfolding in front of me. I marvel in you, the way cocooned caterpillars become butterflies impinge me.

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

You wouldn't know how you how you suit me. I can never have the audacity to let you know. I'm comfortable in my place. Where i can see you...while you can't see me.