Rumi on My Mind

My new addiction. Can't tell anymore which one I like most, is it Neruda or is it now Rumi. hehehe... I still love Pablo and I love Rumi as well.

Yet Another Start

Let this be another start.

I've written a lot about all sorts of matters but I feel cluttered so I decided (at the moment) not to publish past entries. I seek clarity and what I have written did not satify my need. So I know there is something wrong along the way. It may be because I started blogging without direction or theme. There was a point that I didn't want to write anymore but I know I need to write.... So what do I do?

These past few months have been chaotic. It could be fun but nonetheless chaotic. I felt like a rose being choked tyrannously by weed or baobabs in an unkempt garden. A lost cause.

Then come rain and come shine! There, I found a reason to write again but this time I'll write about the walk, the ride, the adventure, the journey as it happens. I love walking by myself or with a companion. Walking is my state of total awareness. That's where I feel every part of my psyche is receptive and objective. The ideas just flow all around like sun rays, only the rays came from inside me.

I'll settle with that. I'll write about my passion and nothing less. How can I find myself burnt out again when I am only writing things worth celebrating for?

Fallen Cradles

OK, so here's what happened today, I didnt exactly sleep last night simply because I couldn't. A little sunlight caught me still staring at the monitor since last evening. It's already 6:30 am and I still feel pep and actually looking forward to jog not worrying much of the downpour. I know, I'm really mad.

I could have jogged alone but I texted my tita to jog with me. But since it didn't stop raining, needless to say... she didn't want to and ended up stuck at home then stuck at her apartment. What was really insensitive of me was, I totally forgot it was her birthday tomorrow. It honestly and regretfully slipped my mind.

When I was at her apartment, I grabbed a book entitled "Fallen Cradle/s" (it's a compilation of stories, poetry, letters of families that has lost a loved one telling their stories of coping, etc) There is one story that I find compelling. Maningning Miclat's Story. I love her. When I was younger I looked up to her. I'm sad how things had to be at the end. But anyway, I only read a few more stories from the book until I decided to prepare for a lunchdate with my tita's close friends. Although, I was feeling drowsly for not taking sleep last night, I managed to show attendance. We went to Grill Asia...it's so nice there that it is enough for me to patronize it....lolz but kidding aside, I really will eat some more of that breaded tofu.

After we've had our fill, there was media inside the establishment then a few minutes more, someone came in that my lunch companions recognize. She was the one who compiled all the stories for "Fallen Cradle/s". How odd diba? How lucky can you get??

oh my, im such a lucky girl.

After that I accompanied them to Medical Mission Sisters at Xavierville to visit a good friend of Tita Tess De Venecia, Sister Cora. Tita Tess is such a vibrant person, full of enthusiasm when she talks it's very animated. I knew then she was kind hearted...I just know. She asked me about what my plans are, what made me leave the private school institution, and other career, spiritual stuff. They told me about a place in La Union that I should visit before I start conquering new horizons.

And I will.

I feel so light today.. heheeeeeey!

I'd Still Want to Meet Him

I guess I got in to "this" too deep already. I hope we are both at the same page or, at the least, mature enough to handle the situation.

Sure, I know how to guard my heart. Although, I don't know why I got myself into this. There's nothing there for me, at least something I need or want (and please, don't say love). Hmmm, hold on, I remember. I'm bored being numb and whether to feel love or feel pain, is not important at the moment. What matters is that I feel -I am alive.

There is a certain thrill in not knowing what is beyond the eyesight. The imagination flashes multitudinous scenarios. Situations vary from appealing to appalling. Which among these scenarios is most likely to happen? -I dont know but I'd like to know some day as it happens.

Risking never equates to a loss or waste. In risking, it is a display of nude courage. A humbling kind of courage as I strip off all pretense that clothes me. It is humbling to be seen nude as I -possibly- would be at the spotlight of ridicule. It takes courage to be in that kind of spotlight. But I know I would not regret whatever happens nor would I blame others of my own decision or action. (To others: so don't tell me what to do and what not to do, okay?)

It has been a difficult week between us. There is too much suspiscion and intolerance. Hokey, at least on my part. I'm at the point where I am doubting his sincerity. Is he really interested in knowing me or he's just making schemes. I've been discerning if we are friends at all, if we were then it is far being ideal. We were more like flirting and I've never been tolerant with men falling on this category. --not long enough, at the most.

In spite of the doubts I stated above, months of conversation with him kind of made me see through his guise. I saw that we were not really different. We are just the same, bruised yet enchantingly amazing seers and searchers. Afraid of the same things, burned by the same flame, hopeful of God's graces, wanting to be better. We are just the same. Thingking about it, this is the very reason why I endured the blows being the ear to his resentments, self-gratification and fantasies... hehehe.

But like I said, we are just the same. I'd like someone to hear me out but he's wearing earplugs and he is not beside me and even if he is, he may not want to listen.

It is that frustrating...sometimes.

B-): well you don't really know what i'm going through

;;)08: and thats true

B-): well.. you're the first lady i met who has been adamant to get to know me

B-): to really try to delve and understand who i am

;;)08: and honestly, it isnt easy

B-): lol

;;)08: yeah

We still talk, less these days. When he gets here, I'd still want to meet him even when he brings pain. When he leaves, the pain goes too.

walk your talk, jammy.

Passing Up

So so, I missed the love boat. I thought I would not regret passing up on the opportunity to delegate the country for the 33rd SSEAYP. Sayang talaga. Lesson learned: Just Go. No more reasons and excuses.... Just GO. Listen to elders/mentors (probably too). Tigas kasi ng ulo. haaaay

I've been passing up on a lot of opportunities. I'm just really stubborn. Luck can only give me a lift upto the terminal. What I do at the terminal is my responsibilty. There are only two options: hesitate to take the ride and miss it or purchase the ticket and get in the bus come what may.

I was not so hesitant when I was a kid. I'd go for anything, even when my life is at the risk. lolz.. I remember climbing a post of what used to be a swing and sit on top of it just to "tambay" and "kwentuhan with my cousins (occupying the rest of the post...usually it's ate kim, carlo, ate mimi or gerald or ina or mira). Sometimes, the tambay ang kwentuhan becomes a "yabang fest" . "Yabang fest", i.e. the conversation with "Ako ang pinaka ______" tapos talent show na...u know, ,pakita mo yabang mo...it is all about payabanan really. One time, when things are getting so competetive among the Maramag cousins chilling on top of the swing post, We were competing for the best "No Hands Balancing on the Post". Me being so yabang, let go off the bars and shouted " I am God, infinity times two."

Guess what happened.... and you guessed it right.lolz

See, I'd do anything without hesitation...then.

I guess when one gets older... one loses the bold spirit and becomes more of the darn coward. The coward that fears for her fragile life.

There are a lot of things I haven't done in a long time because of fear. I fear, I fear, I fear.
These are a few:

• Dare riding thrilling (roller coaster, anchor's away, space shuttle.. etc). Last ride was when I was still in gradeschool.
• Visit "Bahay ng Lagim" and the likes. ahahaha I know the mumu isn't real but i'm still scared.
• 360 degree turn/body flip (vertical turn not horizontal) .

SIGH...

I better do something about this ....growing old issues. lolz

BUT NEXT YEAR.... I will not pass up on the chance for SSEAYP.

NOW... if anything is offered to me, I'll show much enthusiasm to do it.

Wish me luck.

The Rule of Thirds

Just a brainfart...not meant to make sense.

just a gender tease.

I remember a scene from the movie American Pie (just not sure which specifically) where the girls were talking about "the rule of thirds"

por ejemplo: when asked, How many times did u get laid?

Add 3 from the girl's claim.
Subtract 3 from the guy's claim.

To really get the answer.

Ahaha... wala lang. naalala ko lang

Rings true.

Guess no gender is really ahead in honesty.

Doing It The Healthy Way

I'm getting there friends, just be patient with me.

I'm slowly cutting back on things I was so addicted in the past. Attending too much BMR gigs (I love them still but it is time for me to re-prioritize) made me take in too much smoke and alcohol. And yes, I really need to cut back on smoke and alcohol. So instead of attending 3 BMR gigs per week, I go jogging 3 times a week. Better right? I'll still go see them atleast once a month. I think thats fair game.

I feel so lucky again, hehehe, having supportive friends. My C3 buddies are so understanding. They understand why it takes me a long time to get there --because I'd rather briskwalk than take a tryc ride. They tolerate my healthy diet as well. I'm starting to like fruits once more. I make real juice now --it is really rewarding.

*clap clap clap*

They may never know how much they helped me with this shift of lifestyle. Nakakatamad kasi when your doing it alone. Sometimes, a buddy would encourage you to do the first step and help you through the hard phases.

Ain't I lucky?

Conditioned Response

I'm getting the knack of things....hmmmmm all sorts of things. i'm just amused to figure them out.

Adjust. Discern. Compromise. -Hmmm... pano ko ba sasabihin ng di kailangan ng sobrang elicit details. Let's just put this way. I have this tendency to be "selfish" pag ayaw ko...ayaw ko. But I guess I've been "selfish" too long. So someone's gonna have a blast (Yes, Congratulations to you lucky winner..hehehe) So it is a compromise between two arrogant people with somehow "selfish things in mind". There, I am adjusting. Of course, I really thought hard about it just so (atleast) I convinced myself that "it is perfectly fine". (Although, I wished there was another way..pero wala e.. so GO na). Seriously, I thought about it because I don't want to end up "picking myself up" --im too lazy to do that again, y'know? If I let it happen, then I should know that there is no one to blame but myself and even at that I should be forgiving to the "foolish" girl I've been. So I guess, I'm all in at that part "the selfish part" not the entire being, so to speak. Yun lang nman ang at stake...so I conditioned my mind that its just that. I hear velcro adhesives pulling away Body and Emotion.

Its a show of action not feelings. I am not complaining.

I took a retreat. I didn't try to contact him for about a week to think of reasonable, decent yet not icy way to deal with him. Since we come at opposite ends and not willing to be the first one to disarm ammo, it will really be a bloody bout between us. Sayang naman. So I thought, I should let my guard down atleast for a few days, atleast with him --and love isn't really the reason. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. Let's just see how the balance of "trust" manages on this "quakey" ground.

Condition! Condition! Condition!That word is not new to me. Before the scheduled football games, WE CONDITION. Before WNCAA season starts, WE CONDITION. It's all in the mind. So when you set your mind into something, the body will stupidly submit at the request of the insane brain.I conditioned myself on this one.

I submit - no regrets
No Blaming
If something goes wrong ----------------- RUN.

BBB

Buhay Baboy Brigade.

Syeeeeeeeeeeet, sarap magbuhay baboy.

Kain, tulog, langoy, higa, nguya mahjong.

Bakit kelangan ng umuwi???

Ayoko sa Manila.

Dito na lang sa beach

kasi marap mag chill.