Between 9 and 18

My dad is sent to far regions of the country, sometimes out of the country for work. It takes days. The wait can be heartbreaking. I miss him when he's not here sleeping at night. I cry sometimes when he leaves but I am consoled when he tells me he'll bring home something special for me.

I accompany him when he prepares his clothes and stuffs them all along with his other necessities in a bulky luggage. I watch him and listen attentively in case he forgot something and asks me to fetch it for him somewhere around the house. I'll do it gleefully. Everytime he packs, It is like an episode of "Finders Keepers" (A vintage Nickelodeon show) as he sends me off to find items as he bellows a countdown.

One time, when he's done packing and set the luggage aside I waited until he left the room. I took it and placed a banana in between shirts. I thought he might get hungry because he'll away for days and Mommy can't cook for him.

After the banana, I sneaked sandwhiches on his following trips and sometimes, I slid my own crafty "I Love You Daddy" card and notes.

He is pleased and I get a tight hug and kiss. I smile, shout, jump triamphantly because I know I made his day right.

That was 17 years ago, I remember.

It's different now. Nothing seems to be familiar in our family except the house. I've lived here for as long as I can remember. I miss growing up.

When I was 9, I can't wait to be 18. Because as I've seen it on TV and fairytales, parties are grand and everyone attends wearing gowns. Each guest trying to outstand another. I yearned for that day, the dance and the kiss.

And now, 18 has gone 5 years ago. I think about playing Mario on a family computer. I've memorized the keys that I can play it with eyes shut. I can ride a bike without my hands controlling it. I watch Beauty and the Beast and know all lines from start to end. I miss the days when everything is just play.

As I grew older, pleasing my dad became a hard task. It was not like "Finders Keepers" anymore. Then, I gave up on it. I don't exactly remember when but I think it was the time when I met my first bf.

Bit by bit, we grew apart and hardly spoke to one another. Because when we talk, we usually end up arguing --so we rather not talk or I rather not speak with him. Arguements are brutal in this family.

Eventually, I grew numb. Growing up is hard and unforgivingly painful.

But now that I'm older, I know that it is not late to patch things up with my dad. He's still young and I am much mature to understand the things I didn't understand between the ages 9 and 18.

Carla and I

Speaking so Pokerwise

I got a new theory,

Requited love
...is just one lucky penny richer than an obsession.
...is the pot money on a poker (championship) tournament,low stack-betting 'All in' then getting the entire pot to oneself.

the chances?
1 in 220 hand deals. Much like having pocket aces.

Am I that lucky? --or just a high risk taker, betting 'all in' in a not so promising hand.

Easter Reflection 2006

It's not pride that I am holding on to. It is more than just saving face for the sake of the entire family, profession or whatsoever. What is important to me is possessing secure moral character. Not to boast ofcourse, it is the least reflection of my being but it is to bring me to better senses spiritually. It is to hear God's soft spoken voice in this very mad and disorienting world.

I would not deny His great influence in me. Although, I cannot say I am a reflection of a quintessential Catholic/Christian. Speaking independently, I would like my spirituality be a personal and intimate kinship with God. Meaning, not following another person's spiritual path. Though, it doesn't mean that I belittle their faith. I only think that we have our own ways to show our reverence to Him and that whatever manner we choose to show it should not be anyone's platter of scrutiny.

My Fall, My Amulet
Temptation is really a hard battle to conquer. But as I grew older, recalling all the cuts and bruises and even death encounters, I became wiser and responsible of my actions. But being wise and responsible does not guarantee that I am absoluted from sinning. If so, then I shouldn't have any problem with strict diet because that's an easier task, should I? I fail but I am not a failure.

What is in temptation that lures me to sin? I thought about it for quite sometime and I came to the realization that it is a delusive carnal need. It is self-gratifying, nothing more. It deludes me to bargain on something that is less than what I need. It deludes me decide appropriately. It butters me up to want something that is temporal. It fuels my selfish desires. It is so hard to resist: bargain, psuedo-need and want.

But it is possible not to be persuaded by such temporal calls. And that is, God's voice.

It is The Voice that I would not want to fade faintly from my earshot. Everything falls apart when I cannot find the thread of His guidance in the wind. He is my amulet to ward away temptation.

Like, Love, L**t
My heart is treacherous vessel of my hopes and desires. Sometimes, my heart dictates to the mind --the seat of wisdom-- what is best for the entire self. The heart fails sometimes to coo the mind in submission and it surprisingly succeeds often times.

Though, at this point and age, I am aware of the beating of the conniving creature. So I am at best footing to secure myself together and protect myself from further injury.

It is not just being frigid. It is just a matter of how I value my security and I hope you have no intention of screwing it up. Nothing wrong with your manhood, I don't really mind it.

The Man
I love my man. If I decide to whom I will be with, I want it to be lasting. As yet, I haven't met him but I am not complaining nor am I impatient of his tardiness/absence. It is thrilling. Waiting is a lovely phase of getting ready --atleast I think so.

A word to the wise was handed to me by two happily married women (they are not affiliated to each other in any way) that their husbands are truly God sent. Both relayed to me that they specifically wished for 'the man' they want to share life with. They prayed eagerly and really went to the details (as petty as height, weight, profession to moral character) in petitioning. But there is a huge sacrifice to go with the prayer. It is sacrifice. To give up something that is of carnal interest.


....
I gave up something to meet you. I love you and I will forever be faithful to you. This Easter, I had a long reflection and I thought of you too.

Happy Easter
....
*some details are omitted because it is too personal to air online.

I dont know if this makes sense at all

I couldn't sleep. I practically immersed myself into reading 5 chapters of the lengthy "Bachelor List" by Jane Feather to put me to sleep -yet failed, surprisingly.

Who am I fooling? How can I sleep when half of me is still thinking of you? There's no escaping you now, since I've graciously ushered you in my thoughts long ago. Had I known the consequences of this self-destruction, I wouldn't be so cordial to you --maybe.

A fool I am truly. I resent that I danced to your ploy then fall gracefully on your manipulative hands. I can't forgive myself on this lapse of judgement. You had me as soon as your eyes laid on me. Was that easy? Was I an easy prey?

Thus, as I find it fitting, I leave my fate to you --mighty predator. The responsibility is solely yours now. The prey won't even dare fight back. Submissive and quite trusting I come closer to your den.

I never dared to pry anyone's business even if it was in the way across mine. I thought that was polite and righteous. I have only collected parcel knowledge of your land --of your "geography" as you quote the old man. I could never ask probing questions unless you've given me permission to enter your kingdom --and meet with your vast and contradicting kings inside you.

I write to had it known to anyone who preys on my heart, my body, my thoughts, my spirit, my being or whatever I may possess that deemed huntable that I don't find it fair that I am only desired maliciously.

It's not I despise you.
I actually love you.

But if this uncertainty prolongs and it delights you even more. I wouldnt scorn you for the mockery or sincerity or the things in between. I let it happen. I am your most willing accomplice and victim.

I never lived a life of denials or regrets.

I did let you know that I love you.
That is enough for me to hold.

CDE Sec 1 Reunion

JUST FEW days ago, I met with my college CDE Sec 1 classmates. I'm glad the reunion pushed through. We decided to meet at Jack's Loft, Eastwood. Old habits die hard, same girls were late as it was during college days.

There, we set our out of town reunion. Some weekend on May @ Tagaytay.
I hope to see everyone =)