I Smell Hmmhum Candy

"I smell sex and candy here,
who's that lounging in my chair
who's that casting devious stares
into my direction
Mama this surely is a dream"
-Marcy Playground

It kept playing on my mind. I do know S & C when I smell one.

Too bad I can't see him anymore. He's not bad, it is just that he reminds me of an ex which is not a good hit. Not at all. I don't fancy being reminded of a past flame. I'm not hating or anything, it is more drawn to the lines of awkwardness and disturbing.

Just being true people, No way I can go on seeing him at the same time, think of another person. Ahhh, too much resemblance! That's too bad.

I don't eat candies everyday but when I do, I enjoy it...and I had my christmas candy! lol Don't go grouching on me now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Outgrow

Sometimes we outgrow friends.

"Guys are so easy"
- Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill

I don't need bullshit.

I wonder why my life isn't so complicated. It's like 'a hit or miss. Hit it then good, miss it then try next time or try another one. Is that an abnormal point of view in life?

Here's a revelation, all of my friends found their ika nga "nawawalang pares ng tsinelas" ("missing pair of slippers") but me. Shitty curse.

What a manifestation of my my boring life. Look at me, I'm sinking...no superman to save me. Fucker. But ofcourse, I had to live and got to the sea surface to catch breath and the reality of this misery... got on my board on my own "lonely" self.

There was just so nasty tall waves this weekend, not the kind a professional advice to a novice surfer to ride. Although I did dare and dared at the cost of my life. My life flashed before my eyes when I got wiped out. Not a pleasant experience.

I did quote Brooke Davis above, just shit. Guys are so easy. They all want fuck. Give in or not, they want fuck. I've never had a serious relationship in a long time (is something wrong with me?) The duration is just alarming. MORE THAN THREE YEARS.

I'm a well adjusted "single" by now, i just kind of "right now" missing cuddling. I don't want being so indepented all my life!!! But I don't dream of settling for flings.

Flings. I thought I had one right now, apparently, he did back out on our special day. So scratch him off my list. That's ok though, but while this issue is boiling today, it was not so big a deal that it happened because I keep figuring out my friends' relationship issues -I'm placing my friends' issues than mine...because it is just a question of desire...gusto or ayaw and that is it.

Maybe this is just an emotional episode. I went surfing with a couple and I kind of miss the feeling of in a relationship. Just really missing the sincerity, caring, cuddling part... it's been so damn long.

Guys are so easy, but no one said loving someone is so hard. Hard to say, I think I'm inlove with you. Just so darn hard.

I did tell my crushies that I like them but you see the result:

EMPTINESS.

Sure I can sleep with anyone I want to but... I want love and those things are two different things. I want love, why am I getting fucks? I'm not even a player.

===

Just earlier, I got home from Zambales even met my hunky crushie and turned out to be with someone already. HEARTBREAKING! but its ok, just a crushie not a lover. But you know, it is downright painful knowing that you've been uhmm scratched off.

GANUN TALAGA.

Konti nalang papatol na ako sa babae talaga minus the drama.

Gone Surfing

"Uy, pasencya na. Late ako.
Pero malapit na ako. Hintay lang."
- Bagyong Reming

Alam kong super bagyo ang parating pero mahirap itago ang tuwa ko sa pagdating ng bagyo dahil ibigsabihin mataas ang alon. Lakasan na ng loob yan sa pag surf. Wala na tong urungan

Sana lang hindi gaano kalakas para muling mapinsala ang mga ciudad at probinsyang dadaanan nito. Sana lang talaga...dahil nakokonsenya ako dahil masaya ako kasi may bagyo... hehehehe

GONE SURFING ...

Isang Gabi sa Nippon Maru

Ang Nippon Maru sa North Harbor

Dumaong ang Nippon Maru sa North Harbor at bilang consolasyon at pampagana, naimbitahan akong maghapunan sa Nippon Maru kagabi. Consolasyon dahil di ako nakasama sa SSEAYP 2006 Delegation at pampagana dahil magpapasa na ako ng application ng mas maaga para sa susunod na delegation.

Naisip ko na ang pagikot at paglakbay sa 5 bansa sa Asya lulan ng isang malaking Barko ay hindi magandang ideya sapagkat ako'y allergic at asthmatic sa maraming bagay. Pero naisip ko rin na ang pagiging allergic at asthmatic ay overused excuse na para sakin. hehehe. (idagdag pa ang pagiging late)

Nailarawan ko sa aking isipan na ang barko ay hindi ligtas na transportasyon. Nakasakay narin kasi ako ng barko at hindi maganda ang ala-ala ko don (First Impression, lasts.) Sa unang paglakbay ko ng karagatan, ang dumi ng ship cabins, yung bintana ng cabin nadrowingan naming magpipinsan papuntang Boracay...at pauwi pagkatapos ng isang linggo, nandun parin ang drowing na lumulubog na ship. Gumegewang-gewang ang barko sa lakas ng hangin habang pumapalaot magdamag. Mejo hindi komportable talaga.

Pero iba ang Nippon Maru. Ang Nippon Maru ay isang 3 Star Cruise Ship at mula sa Japan. Alam kong 5 stars ang pinakamataas na antas ng luxury pero sa nakita ko sa Nippon Maru, masaya na ako sa 3 stars.

Nais ko sanang libutin ang barkong Nippon Maru ngunit sabi nga ni Frankie "Bata" Ong ang presidente ng SSEAYP Philippines "Everything has changed since 9-11", mahigpit ang seguridad sa loob ng Nippon Maru. Sa lobby at ballroom suite lang ang maaring pasyalan. Ok narin dahil ang pagtitiis ay ayon sa kaligtasan ng lahat naman.

Gusto kong mapabilang sa susunod na paglayag ng Nippon Maru.

Bakuran Ng Magpipinsan

Sa bakuran lang ng magpipinsan, marami ang nangyayari. Minsan nagugulat na lang ako sa lahat ng aming pinagbago. Heto na siguro yung transisyon mula inosenteng bata tungo sa nagmamaalam-alam na binata at dalaga.

May kanya-kanya ng sikreto na kapwa nabibisto ng magpinsan pero ayos lang yan... ganyan lang talaga ang samahan ng magpipinsan.

Tamang salo lang.
Tamang good time.

Di parin ako sanay na nagmamatandaan kami. Feeling ko pag nagkikita kaming magpipinsan.... bata parin kami na nag te-train sa hagdanan, nag bebed-sleigh ride mula sa top step ng hagdanan, umaakyat ng poste ng swing para magchill, nagka-kamias/toyo/asukal/asin trip, maglakad mula bahay hangang Glori (na ngayon ay Champion na) para hanapin ang pangalan sa robee stickers na palagi namang wala ang pangalan ko Jasmin or Jam.

Iba na ngayon.
Iba na ang trip ngayon.

Layu-layo narin ang mga bahay namin. Nasa San Diego, NY, Auckland, Toronto, Pennsylvania, San Beda Village at ang home base Teachers Village. Layu-layo na talaga kaya kada kita namin ang daming nagbabago parang hindi ko na sila kilala. Ganun din ata ang tingin nila...pero ayos lang. Embrace change as it happens...ika nga.

Basta nagkikita.
Kahit ang mga nasa homebase at San Beda Village nalang ang nagkikita isang beses sa isang buwan.

Aalis pa kaya ako ng bansa?

Am I Boring You?

I think I'm getting old and boring.

I'm a frigid 24 years old soltera...yep no boyfriend. (although, I value my "ME" time, sometimes I want "cuddling" time...please don't tell me to look at the bright side of being single because seriously... I've lived those happy days and I'm yearning for love at the moment --ewww cheesy).

Love is elusive. I'm not literally chasing it but in fact, I'm staying still hoping it decides to rest on me. But not a shit does it... not even a shit dares to come near me --but that's a lie.

I get asked out on a date but it doesn't seem right. I'm really careful now about dating after I dated a good looking colleague which conveniently forgot to say he's married and a father of two and his wife is on her third pregnancy. Nasty. If it is any improvement, a perv friend, a highschool boy, and a friend who is a single parent are pursuing me. I don't know..it still looks nasty to me.

It's quite interesting that I'm feeling sulky about my soltera status. (Si Marco kasi e may girlfriend na. hahahaha)

Nakakagagong Quotes

Quote a Thing, is this the new sms/txting fad?

I received these messages from friends. Notable quotes from everyday objects and people. Mejo nakakagago lang talaga

• "Hindi lahat ng malakas ay superhero" - putok
• "Pano tyo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa 'yo?" -lego
• "Bad news, may dengue ako" - lamok
• "Sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko naman katawan lang ang habol mo sa akin" -hipon
• "Wag po natin salubungin ang mga bumababa, di po natin sila kamaganak" -LRT Operator

Gusto ko lang sabihin sila na

• "Wag mo akong subukan" -lason
• "Ipasok mo ako sa tamang butas" -basura
• "Di mo ako matitiis" - LBM
• "Sige, huthot lang ng huthot" - wallet

Cinemanila and Cine Europa

bIf you have missed the Cinemanila early shows this year (CCP and UP Theatre) , it is not too late to catch it until November 15, 2oo6 at SM Cinemas (Mall of Asia -Cinema 6; Megamall -Cinema 12 and SM North Edsa -The Block Cinema 2). Ticket price is P100 (P50 for students). More details on film scheds . Visit 8th Cinemanila International Film Festival Website for other events like seminars/workshops on film or screen writing.

Don't miss it, For Pedro's sake.

Simultaenously, the Delegation of the European Commission to the Philippines is hosting the Cine Europa from November 9 - 19, 2006 at Shangri-la (Shaw Blvd.). Featuring contemporary and critically acclaimed films from different European Countries (Austria, Belgium, Czech Republic, Spain, France, Finland, Germany, Netherlands, Portugal, Sweden and UK). FREE ADMISSION.

Come an hour earlier than the screening time to ensure you get seats. You'll thank me with this advice.

I'm Type B, Apparently

I don't know if I've heard of Meyer Friedman back in Psych 101 but it seems my hippocampus is not capable of associating the name with his contribution to the wonderful realm of psychology (tut tut tut).

But anyway, Ate Kim (my so hot cousin) re-introduced me to Friedman and his buddy Rosenham who lived the better days of 1950's. They developed the Type A and Type B personality which later pursued their happy tripping with more experiment about the connection between these personality types and the risk of stroke and CHD (Crappy Heart Disease, ok it's C for Coronary).

Type A Personality Displays these Behaviors:

1. Insatiable desire to achieve their goals
2. Strong willingness to compete in all situations
3. Strong desire for recognition and advancement
4. Desire to multitask under time constraints
5. Always in a rush to finish activities
6. Above average mental and physical alertness
7. Feeling insecure about their current possessions, source of income etc..
8. A strong sense of guilt when spending their time idly

Type B Personality Displays these Behaviors:

1. Relaxed
2. Likelier than a Type A personality to be patient
3. Creative and imaginative
4. Inclined to self-analyze

Ate Kim claims to be Type A and accuses me to be Type B (but she's got a point, hear what's playing on my blog? -Que sera, sera). I was Type A but then got fatigued and decided to live the "Hakuna Matata" life until I get tired hanging out with Pumba and Simone (and that's sooooon).

But apparently, there is another personality type and consider it call of times. Accodring to a certain hooligan, Dr. Simeon Margolis of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine there's another personality type, Type D. Individuals who fall on Type D Personality are prone to stroke and Coronary Heart Disease than Type A and it is not hard to see why.

Type D Personality Experiences the following Negative Emotions:

1. Hostility
2. Anger
3. Surliness
4. Rudeness
5. Depression
6. Anxiety
7. Tension
8. Negative Self-Perception

Surprisingly theres no Type C yet. Type D stands for "Distressed"

Are you Type D?

I'm definitely not Type D.

=========
So if someone goes loco on you...y' know, rude angry, hostile, downer ... just say "You're not my type" or "Don't go Type D on me, coz I'm so Type B."

hmm, that was plain corny.

SURFING

It is never too late to learn a new skill.

Never too late to learn surfing and

Never too late to make animated photos

I "giffed" the photos sent to me by stonemoney surf of my first wave at Zambales! yay!

The Major Problem in the Philippines

The major problem of my country, Philippines,is not poverty, not malnutrition,not poor education,and not even terrorism. These are simply the long-term consequences resulting from the incessant poor judgement of individuals having state authority on matters of priority and importance.

The problem in my country is graft and corruption. Philippines ranked third (next to Vietnam and Indonesia) as the most corrupt country in Asia based on PERC. What does it indicate? Many things. Perhaps, we elect our leaders inefficiently; But granting that the elected leaders possess great desire to serve and contribute to our nation building, can that individual dare not be swayed into temptation of filling their pockets with public funds? Or perhaps our leaders do not realize the magnitude of their power to free majority of Filipinos of oppression and poverty. It takes discipline, I guess, to see greater happiness beyond self-gratification (that always leads to the state of dissatisfaction because one's pocket is never full of peso, so you put in another..then another...really, it is never enough). The Dalai Lama of Tibet speaks of a potent antidote to our country's problem. It is contentment. May our corrupt leaders wish to seek contentment and find it, ASAP.

National Politics is not a dirty game, although, I think it has become that. But by definition, it is the science of governing a country -- I assume that it is for the best interest of the country and not the deterioration of one. I hope politicians keep this in mind or write a note and carry it in their pockets always to remind them of their sworn pledge.

Then, when everything is in perspective, we can find a way to elevate family economics, allocate and distribute food and nutrition services, endorse quality education, and appease terrorists whom I believe are fighting for their basic needs that were neglected by the government for a very discouraging and depressing long time.

It is not sacrifice that I am expecting from politicians, it is just their full use of their intelligence and conscience for the stimulation of national growth.

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One is good, More is better?

One is good, More is better?

I just thought that maybe greed is the driving force in today's culture. It should have been love ofcourse but, really... is it, still? I am not arguing that there's no love left in the world or people have grown to be evil than good these days. Love exist and good/evil exist just as much; for we cannot know good if there is no evil to define it and vice-versa.

Greed. The need to want more or believing we need more than what we already have. The "I need more love, I want more love" attitude.

This is my opinion and I don't want to cause trouble, 'just stating my confusion and views on this different kind of relationship.

POLYAMORY - loving more than one. (the definition is a bit loose, but ideally, that's that)

I've seen it on media -broadcasted, published, discussed on forums, internet. It rings pseudo to me. I will not argue about it being regarded as cheating because individuals in such relationships do not claim to be monogamous in the first place. I guess, its just a preference and I'm being conservative on this issue.

But to me, it is a pseudo relationship. There may be several people that are suitable for me but I have to choose just one to build a special bond of intimacy with just that person.

"I have many needs and 'she' cannot fill everything, that's why I need another person to fill the other needs." - could this be a sign of insatiability? One partner isn't just enough.

But whatever Polyamory is, I think it depends on one's comfort level. It is a complicated relationship -AHA, so that's what it means on friendster, then??!
And to stabilize a complicated relationship must be a hard task -dealing with jealousy, for one thing. Polyamorous people say that it is all about "openness and effective communication."

I'm still hopeful to get that "openness and effective communication" on a monogamous relationship. When it comes, I'd rather say, "I need you" than say, "You are not enough for me."

The Story of Avdohol

It was, yet again, another great after dinner coffee with Mac. The Macchiato tastes good as we both exchanged "how-are-you's", "what-have-you been-up-to"and "what's-stressing-you-at-the-moment".

He confided his heartbreaking and shocking end of a lovestory. I never thought it culd be that shameful but I guess, it is all for the best -we never know. I told him that my application for the Asian Youth Forum 2006 (Jakarta, Indonesia) on October 12-13 stands so little chance of making it since it was handed over a week later of the deadline. (....... I really want to be part of that forum).

Then after a while, well, to be honest, we were arguing about the importance of one Millenium Development Goal-Promote Gender Equality andEmpower Women. I see his point that the issue can get annoyingly cliche since in our country it is not much of problem but I think the issue still needs to be adresssed globally -think about the women from Sudan, Egypt Somalia and the rest of the 28 African Countries who are bound to "cruelty" due to custom and religion but I guess in the end, he feels my cause and began to tell another interesting story.

This time, he relayed the life of one African girl. Born into a life of a nomadic and poverty-stricken land of Somalia, the young Avdohol still had the freedom to enjoy nature's best wonders --watching fierce lions napping, running with the zebras, giraffes and foxes. As a child, she was happy.

Growing up as an African woman is hard. At five years old, Avdohol had the most excruciating experience of having her clitoris cut with a broken blood stained razor blade. The remaining flesh were poked by thorns and sewn together, leaving only a tiny hole (similar to a circumference of a matchstick) for peeing and (later on) menstrual blood to pass. That being said, she was still lucky for many African girls suffered complications, infections and some died because of this practice.

At the age of thirteen, she was arranged to be married to an old man of 60 by her father in exchange of five camels. Avdohol did not want to be married and decided to run away.

One night, her mother woke her and told her to run away to escape her marriage while everyone is sleeping. She left and ran across the desert. She ran even faster as her father managed to find her by following her trail on the sand. She stopped until she realized that her father did not chase her anymore.

Tired, hungry, thirsty and beaten by the African sun she rested under a tree only to be awaken by gnarling sound -that of a lion. The lion eyed her and Avdohol stared back at the predator. Then feeling that her journey across the desert has come to an end, unafriad and ready to die; she said to the lion, "Come and get me, I am ready." Thinking of how the beast would crush her bones and tear her flesh apart, it was odd that the lion turned and walked away.

Avdohol realized that the lion was not going to kill her, she knew that God had plans for her. She sought for that reason and carried on with her journey.

She lived from relative to relative, did household chores in exchange of her up keep, even worked in a construction site -carrying heavy sacks of sand and gravel. Then lived as a maid for the Somalian Ambassador in London. In London, she was seen by a man and was given a calling card (although, at that time, she could not understand English yet so she doesn't know what the man wanted from her). The time came when the Ambassador's term ended and had to go back to Somalia. She stayed behind, not knowing where to go and what to do but she managed to survive and educate herself -she learned english.

One day, she chanced upon the old calling card the man gave her and contacted him finally. He happens to be a photographer. Avdohol went to his studio and he took pictures of her. When Avdohol saw the herself, she did not recognize herself -she could not see the Avdohol the maid but what she saw in the polariod was a different person, it was Avdohol the model.

After that, life came sweeter as a super model but still haunted by her past-her most deepest secret: her circumcision or what we call now Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). She went into a surgery to end her agony. Then she learned the reason why she survived the things she went through.

Avdohol, who is popularly known as Waris Dirie is the UN’s appointed Special Ambassador for the Elimination of Female Genital Mutilation. She has decided to break her years and years of silence to speak out to help save the lives of millions of women, young and old, across Africa and many other far eastern countries.

"Female Genital Mutilation has nothing to do with culture, tradition or
religion. It is a torture and a crime, which needs to be fought against."

Waris Dirie, UN-Special Ambassador

Essay Essay Essay

Oh shit, deadlines! My paperwork is overdue. My application is overdue. My topic tips me off balance. Ghaaaaaaaaaaarsh, will I survive?

On the other hand, I only have 1 more task to do (so, I might as well top the cake with cherry anyway), My passport is ready and inspite of how my topic makes me nervous, I think it is the kind of nervousness brought by great anticipation.

So I am pushing for it.

Wish me luck!

Feed you the details some other time. I got some serious essay to do.

Be Miserable To Get Paid

"Unfair daw to pay the teachers na nagstay sa Island Cove dahil nag-enjoy lang sila" (It is unfair to pay the teachers who spent two nights minding the Korean-without Dengue-students at Island Cove because the designated teachers seem to be enjoying it) --a context taken from a chit-chat with an ex-colleage from an English Academy suffering from bad karma right now as he quotes the words of the academy director.

I was one of the teachers assigned to mind the Korean students at Island Cove, the other teacher was Issa. Neither of was told or addressed directly regarding the academy's concern on our discetion and management.

I thought of approaching her to discuss the matter but I don't know...I have to find a way not to sound like a pompous ex-employee and make her sob. But I'm just assertive and it is often misinterpreted as arrogance. I take only what is due to me and nothing less, and the first thing due to every employee is respect from employers.

Going back to the comment, we don't deserve to be paid because we seem to be enjoying, I think that's a ton of bullshit. Since when can "enjoyment" be commanded by an employer? I certainly do not like to be commanded when to enjoy and when I can not. If so, employers should be regarded as individuals who minds and controls another's judgement and pays the employee for being miserable. I guess, in that academy -it rings true.

If all employers are like that, it is hard to tell who the real devil is even if it is snorting in front of you already. If all employers are like that, I'd rather go home and plant kamote (and be my own boss).

The English Academy hired me as a teacher and I earned that profession through acquiring four years of study and PRC license --and as that, I demand to be respected and appreciated and not insulted simply because I prefered to have a pleasurable time than worrying about something trivial. On the same note, I'd like to state that during our stay there, I never forgot about my duties and responsibilities as a teacher, and the same goes with Teacher Issa.

We had fun; the teachers as well as the adorable Korean kids. We maximized our stay at Island Cove. Toured the place, rode horses, swam, played a lot, tried outdoor chess, ate decent meals plus dessert too. We really took good care of them. The kids shouldn't not feel how miserable the conditions are(having four cases of Dengue Fever). It is just not right. Why make the rest of the kids suffer?

We had fun but it is no one's business but ourselves alone.

The Birthday Eve Virus

I was about to write how terrible my eve of birthday came to be. I planned to watch BMR tonight because tomorrow they won't be anywhere in Manila. Then things got so screwed up to the point of cancellation -damn asthma and allergy. Usually, during one's birthday, the celebrant(or celebrator..kung ano mas trip mo) gets to blow cake candles --I, on the other hand, gets to sneeze and blow my rosy nose to the 24th bout (maybe more, but I stopped counting upto my 24th candle..i mean sneeze)

I need comfort food. I want to eat SHAWARMA!! somewhere near, say, Ababu and Shan (my nearest neighbor) is nursing a bad cold din.

I got to take medicine for allergy and asthma but I can't take it on an empty stomach. Took milk but I know it isn't enough. Nothing around here interests me, so I had a silly thought of dialing 8-mcdo and get some spaghetti, burgers, chicken and fries to fill my stomach. How tragic to spend my birthday eve this way.

But I don't have to...

Titan and Lei sent an sms [happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you ... you know how the song goes then ends with...we love you *muah*, dito kami Sams, BMR ka?]

So I won't be really spending the eve alone. Titan and Leins called then I found out that Candy and Toti are also with them...Deno to follow. Wooohoooo! Ababu na to!

I don't care what virus I'll spread there. Let's just call it, The Birthday Virus. I'll nag Toti to drop by 7o's Bistro just to peek who's there and who's not.

So cheesy to say this but....sniff sniff.... i love my friends.

All is Fair in Love and War

During times of international conflict, Soldiers justify their slaughter of other people by believing "all is fair in love and war". In such war, it is "fair" to destroy Hiroshima because Japan would have done the same thing to the opponent.

This isn't a post regarding world history or war. Just a few thoughts on how "all is fair in love (and nothing to do with war)"

This is what I know, we have individual conflicts that we battle every minute. Each second is an instance to make a decision or an instance to waste undecided. There came a time when I was through with security -of just not taking a risk because I am scared to be left hanging, to be found needy and left unassisted. I wasted not only seconds but years before I decided to love again.

I know what I am laying on the line of fire. My heart and my emotional stability (that took me a long time to put back together after devasting breakups, one after the other and another). I know that, at some point, it was all a ruse --the attention you are showing me, the wanting, the passionate moments. I told you, I would never ask if all these were real because that would not be fair. I'll just wait and see. Then found your desire fluttering and I chased it while I still can but I never asked for you to retire your wings and stay. If I asked that of you, it would be unfair too.

I know your inner battle. Each second is an instance to make a decision or an instance to waste undecided. Like I, you have wasted years of holding back and the time has come for you to take your most desired moment -to have her by your side. There are three simple rules in conquering; 1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it. 2.If you do not ask, the answer will always be a no. 3. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place. Taking and losing is a matter of decision.

Without an inch of sarcasm and loathing, I'm at peace with how things went. All is fair in love and war.

Letting go of an unrequited love is not really hard to do, it only takes another second to decide to end the misery because wasting a few more seconds of indecision is self mutilation.

How Do You Count Days?

The last quarter of 2006 is here.

Everyday that came and has gone is an entire day that I cannot take back and relive.
Everyday that came and has gone by is an entire day I lived without regrets.
Everyday that came and has gone by nags me to my obligation to work next year (hehehe)
Everyday that came and has gone by is another day that reminds me that all days are different --nothing happens ever the same.
Everyday that came and has gone by taught me the value of patience, hardwork, forgiveness, self worth, national pride, courage and love and sacrifice.
Everyday that came and has gone by is an entire day of basking on peace of mind.
Everyday that came and has gone by is mine.
You count your own days in your own way.

Woooohoooooooo!

[singing... at last, my love has come along...]


It has arrived. Finally!! I woke up and found I got broadband internet. Whooooohooooooo! So, I checked all surfing pics from stonemoney, which were so good, listened to david's playlists, which I really find interesting. Downloaded Dindo's files, which were very interesting.

Download adsense just so I know how fast this net connection is. To my amazement, it is impressive.

ooooh my! this is really GREAT!!!!

Puso ng Carmelo Adventure

I've been putting off my visit to Puso ng Carmelo Sisters in Rosario, La Union. I really want to do my own pilgrimage there. I've heard very little about it; however, little it may be, it is enough for me to want to be there. The short description is all I need --Retreat house by the sea.

I plan to go there on my 24th Birthday, September 8. No more excuses and reasons will I allow to interfere with my plan. I'm excited. KQ will join me in this abrupt backpack adventure.

I just want something different to spend my special day. Last year was so great. Most of my friends (different circles) were there, including Brownman Revival. It was a loud party. So, this year, I'm spending it in contemplation.

Although, I don't really know what to expect from Puso ng Carmelo Retreat House because there isn't really much picture going around the net. All I got from google are the following:

Puso ng Carmelo is managed by Carmelite nuns. They graciously accept food and medicines to be distributed to 1,000 sick and indigent people in La Union. (If you have the hand to help, contact Sis. Janelle at 0917 9516413)

and

They are happy to see visitors.

---------
I know it isn't much. But if you know helpful stuff about Rosario, La Union and Puso ng Carmelo just tell me =)

BINNED

After 4 weeks of arduous toil for cash, I finally gained the luxury of time to relax and think about things to be spent on. Oh yes, it feels good.

In an intimate ritual with myself and peace of mind, I went through my cluttered stuff and justified every piece as either junk or essential. I admit, some are really hard to let go but the time has come for such things to go --i just know.

These are some items that I retrieved then decided to "RIP" into the trash bin:

Receipts - I have loads of them everywhere. Bank receipts, personal vouchers, food and beverages, concert tickets, gig nights, movies etc. These expense memories were all over the place to remind me that I've been...titling on my "saving skills". It is ironic to note that the reason why I kept these receipts (some are even aged and retrieved after 3 years) is to make me cautious on spending. I got to check myself on that more often.

An Old Photograph - Photographs are for keeping, really, but there are some photos that are best thrown away and forgotten. I found it again, this parcel of paper that feeds my contempt, my rebellion, my need for revenge... hokey, i hope you get the picture here...because I don't want to describe it some more. I always come across this picture when I decide to clean up. So once and for all, a decision has to be made; It is either I have to live hurt/anger (whichever comes first) through every time I see it or to bin it so I won't be feeling divided. I chose the one leading to forgiveness.

A Few Raffle Coupons, long due - Keeping them is a fit of madness. Why keep them if I have no use of them. I should have given it up and hand it to someone else instead. Chance, that is what it reminds me of. I get chances but hardly courageous enough to grab it and accept rewards graciously. Thus, "what ifs" are born.

A Three Year Old Charity Bond - I am ashamed. I haven't been true to my promise. Although it made me feel miserable (because it reminds me of my shortcomings), I am keeping this list to work it out.

The rest that were fated to be binned, were simply litter.

It felt nice.

Ko jo!

Has it been four weeks already?

I've gotten attached to my Korean students; I've gotten accustomed to Korean food; I've grown an ear to catch a few Korean phrases and I found myself drawn closer to them as each day passes. Only to come to school, one day, and find out that the lessons that I am to teach is the last.

I whine. The first weeks at work, I whined about every detail --food, classroom set up, class schedule, and everything else. But I was not alone in whining, I whined with my stuudents. Thinking that two hours of study per subject is insanely tiring if not boring but as the final days are drawing nearer, two hours is such a short while to spend with them --it wasn't even enough.

I miss my outlaws and treasure hunters --Pirate Sam, Pirate Mike and Pirate Richard.

I miss my perverted students --Mark, Liz, Angella and Christina

I miss the bratty but adorable girls --Rosa1, Rosa2, Alice, Sarah, Reina and Angelina

I miss the young geniuses --Lily and Ivan

I miss the "fishermen" --Steve, Nick, Suji, Andrew, Eun Hee and Devin.

I miss the thoughtful ones --Anastacia, Susan-Mur, Sally

I miss the FingerQuoting students --Luke, Paul and Lidia.

I'll definetly get skype. WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I miss them!

Quotes To Go By

Everything is falling into place.

Believing on something even when all odds are against you is hard to do. But when you do, your chance heightens.

Keeping faith and persevering on something will lead you to it.

I'm just happy.

I know We're Cool

"I heard your voice. I think I still recognize it." would be the last sms I'll be sending to that anonymous caller.

I was watching the re-run of the Ghana- USA world cup match earlier when I heard my phone ring and it was unnamed. I took the call; apparently, it was an unintentional call because I over heard your conversation with friends and the going-ons around you --on the other end --you didn't notice I was eavesdropping.

I can't say I was irritated. I can't say I was pleased to hear that voice again. I was curious but at the same time certain that it was you.

Shit. I hanged up and found that prior to that call, I missed 5 calls from you. I shit even more. But giving the benefit of the doubt, I asked for your name -- an introduction perhaps -but nothing was reconciled.

My thoughts went into a time warp, the time when I thought things are going pretty well with us. Our first road trip together, when you said, "I was confused prior to this trip but now I know...It' s pretty clear that it is you;" then you kissed me "...let's take it slow."

I just said, "Ok."

I saw it coming, that you weren't pretty sure about us but I had faith in your words. So I brushed my doubts aside until you said "Crushie and I are together now." There is really no easy way to break somebody's heart.

What kind of betrayal was that? Then, it was something beyond forgetting. That was classic.

They say, don't burn bridges but I did not heed that. After that, I felt that there is nothing left in us even as friends...or aquaintance. Things can never be as it was --as good friends. If you just told me that you were hitting it off with her and not smother me with sweet nothings and attention then we could have remained friends. But you did the classic "namamanka sa dalawang ilog". Worse, I knew the girl and you had me as your fall back.

"Let's not communicate anymore. With what you did. I don't think we can even be friends... friends do not betray each other and that is exaclty what you did. I never expected it from you" That was it. I would never forget how things went between us.


I don't feel the pain anymore but I can never forget the feeling of being betrayed. The same way, I don't feel I love you anymore but I will always remember that I loved you like I never did.

I found, there is space called friendship afterall for us.

I know we're cool.

Dreaming of Surfing Again

one week na.... gusto ko ulit mag surfing.
at mag surfing pa

Just A Quick Release.

This will be just quick since I am in Urdaneta when my grandparents house is in Pozorrubio. I went all the way here just to find an ATM and net cafe.

A week ago, I was with my friends riding a bus going to Baguio. We only planned to stay a night but ended up staying two nights.

SO SAYA! Hindi ako hinika. We're going back at the end of June.

Anyway, when we left Baguio, I decided to surprise my grandparents. Thus, prolonging my stay here. Although, I am going home tomorrow and then leave the next day for Quezon...for the surfing camp.

I'm excited. It is getting dark. I should go back to my lola's house na.

Miss everything already.

A Different Kind of Job Interview

Yesterday was quite an experience. I fought my procrastination. I didn't give up on a task half-way which I am so fond of doing.

I was scheduled for a job interview yesterday at Adriatico, Malate. That was a far venue from QC but I went against all odds.

When I got to the lobby, I sent an sms to announce my attendance to the person who was to interview me that turns out to be the boss, himself. I know it was not conventional to sms your employer but it worked for us. He didn't mind so I don't think I have to mind it too.

The job interview went casually. He told me that he misplaced my resume and I thought that it was a good thing he kept my number stored. I probably impressed him because not only did I nail the position, he also offered other projects he has going on his other companies.

We shook hands and okay, the weirdest thing happened, as I was five steps away from the lobby exit, he asked me to go back because he'll take a picture of me. I've seen an interview end prior to mine and it did not end with a photo session. But anyway, I smiled and he snapped his camera.

It was a different kind of interview but in a funny and good way.

These were my thoughts after the interview.

Ancient philosophy from I Ching goes, "Perseverance is favorable" or "Perseverance brings good fortune."

I'm glad I did not pass up on this interview. I'm glad I did not procrastinate. I'm glad I was not bratty that day. I'm glad that I was present on the day when blessings are poured. Good things happen when you least expect it, you just have to take faith. In that faith, you'll find strength to persevere.

"If you truly desire something with all your heart, the entire universe will conspire with you to achieve it." - Paulo Coelho

Before graduating college, as a Child Development and Education student, we were required to make a feasibility study on a concept school. My concept school was centered for the poverty-stricken communities. How I intend it to be run is already classified information. I am aware that there is a huge gap between the role of educational system and the communities suffering poverty. Feeling bad that I am ignoring this problem as an educator, and that I am enjoying a comfortable teaching position, I left a secure private school institution. Searching for an appropriate avenue to address the problem. I'm glad I left because I'm closer to my purpose.

We could fly, Yov and I

It is this lucid, " The red light of the sun, slowly descending. The sky is all I see, it's never ending. We could fly, you and I. On a cloud, kissing, kissing." It is 12 noon, and I think of you, like this, like this, and that way. I think of you in all ways, always.

Lunch time. But I do not crave for food, I crave a moment with you. When I walk on afternoons, I thought I saw you but they can never surpass your charm.

It puzzles me why I am so fond of you. So don't asky why- I do not know how to answer that. Ask me instead, 'Are you happy?', I can not possibly tell you. I can not possibly tell you when my lips are darted to yours all along.

Just Inconceivable!

I have the habit of putting off for a while what is due on my schedule. Since I do accept my incompetencies, I know I should counter that. That is something that comes as a challenge everyday. I get better each day.

I did what I have to do yesterday. Seek productive adventure; since I found working full-time as a teacher in a stressful environment, repulsive. I just had enough. I felt that as I stay there, I stagnate. I don't want to. So, I left.

Anyway, I finally had enough of vacation. I did scout some jobs that I find appealing and I didn't hesitate to request details about the job offering.

Some are offering inconceivable deals.

There was one that offers a part-time teaching job; 5 days a week for P5000 a month??! In other words, P26 a student per day. If you have 12 students a day = P312. That is not so promising.

The other one, a post from an English Tutorial Center. Pays P60 per session in for a peer tutorial. It even boasts of free transportation! Alryt! ahaha

I think, ganyan talaga sa Pilipinas. Kung kayang iabuso ang employee gagawin sa kasagaran.

Clearance Day

OK, I plan to finish my employment clearance. I had put it off a long time (3 months) and that is how long they held my salary too. hehehe

I woke up early (9am. and yes, that is early enough for me) and it is now 11am. I'm a seasoned procrastinator.

I think, I better get dressed.

lucky girl, really

sometimes i surprise myself with new discoveries. I googled my name "jammy" and it turns out that jammy means lucky. wooooooohooooooooo , i really am the luckygrl08!

I often thought that I was crazy to give this blog the title "the lucky girl 08" but the meaning just got deeper and i'm celebrating.

Babaw ba? I'm just happy and any lucky person would know how I feel. hehehe

Intro to Frisbee

The base of my palms and most of my fingertips are in pain. I joined Kq and her frisbee buddies for some throws. It was funny how I stopped a low flying frisbee towards me -I used my feet. Ahahaha, I just said sorry but could they blame me?! I'm more of a football player than a disc thrower. After a few more throws, I'm getting the knack of it. Although, it could get tricky ... tricky but fun.

So fun, I'm gonna join their training tomorrow night. I hope my hands aren't too swollen to make decent catch and throw.

Since I was already at UP Dil and frisbee time is over, I decided to do 1 round of jog around the acad oval and sit ups before going home. That felt rewarding.

Football, jogging, frisbee = body fat massacre

The Walrus Has Tagged Me

The walrus has tagged me.

List 7 songs that you're into right now. No matter what the genre, whether (or not) they have words, or even if they're any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs, then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

here's my list. Some are really vintage.

• Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head [Ben Folds Five] - it is the rainy season and i love this version
• Music To Watch Girls Go By [Andy Williams] - its just so funky yet vintage.
• Super Duper Love [Joss Stone] - again, its so kulit...so me.
• Someone To Watch Over Me (fascinating rhythm) [George Gershwin] & also another version by[Sting] - pampatulog. no vocals just pure grand orchestra; ooh brings me sweet thoughts
• Turn Your Lights Down Low [Gilberto Gil] & another version by [Lee Ritenour] - its so damn sultry.
• Bedtime [Usher] - i want this kind of bedtime. ahaha
• Comfortable [John Mayer] - i love it because it is mellow and just laid back.

That's it. Gonna tag 7 people now

vinzi

gerald

gerson

mela

miggy

mayi

dindo

Renovation

I chanced upon Paulo Coelho's blog and I am reminded that when we want something, the whole Universe conspires in our favor.

Everything is a blessing to me even when it was presented in an atrocious manner. Leaving work, busted relationships, broken alliances, accidents --every mishap-- happens for a reason. I've learned to let go and put things where it should be in the past, where it should be now, and the possibilities of that lay in the future. Possibilities.

Quite literally, our house is subjected to this evolution as well. Today, we are repairing house from its cancer. Replaced worn-out floor and damaged ceiling. Repainted and restored cracked walls. Mounted new shelves (a must). Secured most of our furniture at the garage along with boxes of knick knacks.

It was time to change. It was so timely with my own evolution as well and that is comforting to know. It was like the house became the manifestation of my own growth.

I have my own cancer and I am dealing with these tyrant cells everyday.
1. exhausting atm/passbook. I don't really like remembering that I splurge. I honestly didn't save any during my 3rd year of teaching. I was successful the first year until the second year but after that, saving didn't make sense so I spent it. I wont discuss why it came to a point that it didn't make sense anymore, but if you want to know, ask me.

Now, I'm officially unemployed. I felt the need to be meager in spending, like the way I used to be when I was still a student. And I made it. I regained control over my spend spend spend behavior. That is a blessing.

2. being indifferent to power trippers. I let them be and I let myself be unharmed from their pointed claws. I've steered away from nasty confrontation and back-stabs. Feels good to be guilt free.

3. letting things pass thinking it will come back. I think it is self-explanatory.

oh well, i hope the house will look less cluttered after the renovation and i hope the same goes with my dear life.

A Calling?

Last night was pretty interesting. Mac told me that we are going to watch The Da Vinci Code but he wasn't sure which cinemas/malls would be showing it. I am not expecting him to make an effort to check out the movie scheds in the metro, so I did it myself (thanks to clickthecity.com, it made scheduling easier hehe).

When we got there early for the 7pm show. What we didn't expect was the looooong ticket line and that we were suddenly hungry. A couple went towards us and said that they weren't going to watch anymore and they'd like to sell their tickets to us. Without hesitation, we bought it, left and scouted a place to dine.

We got two hours to burn and it won't be a problem. We love talking and discussing ideas that seem to make time pass unnoticeably. I told him about how odd things are lately. The lucky kind of oddity.

While we were waiting to be served dinner, I told him about what happened last weekend. Detailed account of what happened last weekend. I told him about the book I just read and that I met the woman behind the book the same day. I met interesting people in just one day. I accompanied my tita to visit a nun (who's battling cancer). I told him that I felt I have been in that convent before although I swear I haven't been there. It is just so hard to explain that I recognize the path walk, the vintage car, the nun I met and chatted with a short while before leaving, the weird gumamela plant. It is so vivid in a weird kind of way.

I was not ready to hear what he told me. Mac told me that God probably was showing me the path to be a nun.

I'm shocked. How can it be? I'm not so nun-dainty like and my thoughts aren't innocent at all. I'd like to have a family.

He knew I was shocked and he tried to amuse me but he got me deep into my thoughts. Could it be really a calling? It is the reason why I endured abstinence for more than a year? I sure am looking forward to .... never mind. lol

I won't be boggled if it had been another person who spoke to me about that matter. What makes me uneasy is that, at the back of my mind...it is a possibility and for Mac to notice it makes it even more valid. He knows me that well.

Rumi on My Mind

My new addiction. Can't tell anymore which one I like most, is it Neruda or is it now Rumi. hehehe... I still love Pablo and I love Rumi as well.

Yet Another Start

Let this be another start.

I've written a lot about all sorts of matters but I feel cluttered so I decided (at the moment) not to publish past entries. I seek clarity and what I have written did not satify my need. So I know there is something wrong along the way. It may be because I started blogging without direction or theme. There was a point that I didn't want to write anymore but I know I need to write.... So what do I do?

These past few months have been chaotic. It could be fun but nonetheless chaotic. I felt like a rose being choked tyrannously by weed or baobabs in an unkempt garden. A lost cause.

Then come rain and come shine! There, I found a reason to write again but this time I'll write about the walk, the ride, the adventure, the journey as it happens. I love walking by myself or with a companion. Walking is my state of total awareness. That's where I feel every part of my psyche is receptive and objective. The ideas just flow all around like sun rays, only the rays came from inside me.

I'll settle with that. I'll write about my passion and nothing less. How can I find myself burnt out again when I am only writing things worth celebrating for?

Fallen Cradles

OK, so here's what happened today, I didnt exactly sleep last night simply because I couldn't. A little sunlight caught me still staring at the monitor since last evening. It's already 6:30 am and I still feel pep and actually looking forward to jog not worrying much of the downpour. I know, I'm really mad.

I could have jogged alone but I texted my tita to jog with me. But since it didn't stop raining, needless to say... she didn't want to and ended up stuck at home then stuck at her apartment. What was really insensitive of me was, I totally forgot it was her birthday tomorrow. It honestly and regretfully slipped my mind.

When I was at her apartment, I grabbed a book entitled "Fallen Cradle/s" (it's a compilation of stories, poetry, letters of families that has lost a loved one telling their stories of coping, etc) There is one story that I find compelling. Maningning Miclat's Story. I love her. When I was younger I looked up to her. I'm sad how things had to be at the end. But anyway, I only read a few more stories from the book until I decided to prepare for a lunchdate with my tita's close friends. Although, I was feeling drowsly for not taking sleep last night, I managed to show attendance. We went to Grill Asia...it's so nice there that it is enough for me to patronize it....lolz but kidding aside, I really will eat some more of that breaded tofu.

After we've had our fill, there was media inside the establishment then a few minutes more, someone came in that my lunch companions recognize. She was the one who compiled all the stories for "Fallen Cradle/s". How odd diba? How lucky can you get??

oh my, im such a lucky girl.

After that I accompanied them to Medical Mission Sisters at Xavierville to visit a good friend of Tita Tess De Venecia, Sister Cora. Tita Tess is such a vibrant person, full of enthusiasm when she talks it's very animated. I knew then she was kind hearted...I just know. She asked me about what my plans are, what made me leave the private school institution, and other career, spiritual stuff. They told me about a place in La Union that I should visit before I start conquering new horizons.

And I will.

I feel so light today.. heheeeeeey!

I'd Still Want to Meet Him

I guess I got in to "this" too deep already. I hope we are both at the same page or, at the least, mature enough to handle the situation.

Sure, I know how to guard my heart. Although, I don't know why I got myself into this. There's nothing there for me, at least something I need or want (and please, don't say love). Hmmm, hold on, I remember. I'm bored being numb and whether to feel love or feel pain, is not important at the moment. What matters is that I feel -I am alive.

There is a certain thrill in not knowing what is beyond the eyesight. The imagination flashes multitudinous scenarios. Situations vary from appealing to appalling. Which among these scenarios is most likely to happen? -I dont know but I'd like to know some day as it happens.

Risking never equates to a loss or waste. In risking, it is a display of nude courage. A humbling kind of courage as I strip off all pretense that clothes me. It is humbling to be seen nude as I -possibly- would be at the spotlight of ridicule. It takes courage to be in that kind of spotlight. But I know I would not regret whatever happens nor would I blame others of my own decision or action. (To others: so don't tell me what to do and what not to do, okay?)

It has been a difficult week between us. There is too much suspiscion and intolerance. Hokey, at least on my part. I'm at the point where I am doubting his sincerity. Is he really interested in knowing me or he's just making schemes. I've been discerning if we are friends at all, if we were then it is far being ideal. We were more like flirting and I've never been tolerant with men falling on this category. --not long enough, at the most.

In spite of the doubts I stated above, months of conversation with him kind of made me see through his guise. I saw that we were not really different. We are just the same, bruised yet enchantingly amazing seers and searchers. Afraid of the same things, burned by the same flame, hopeful of God's graces, wanting to be better. We are just the same. Thingking about it, this is the very reason why I endured the blows being the ear to his resentments, self-gratification and fantasies... hehehe.

But like I said, we are just the same. I'd like someone to hear me out but he's wearing earplugs and he is not beside me and even if he is, he may not want to listen.

It is that frustrating...sometimes.

B-): well you don't really know what i'm going through

;;)08: and thats true

B-): well.. you're the first lady i met who has been adamant to get to know me

B-): to really try to delve and understand who i am

;;)08: and honestly, it isnt easy

B-): lol

;;)08: yeah

We still talk, less these days. When he gets here, I'd still want to meet him even when he brings pain. When he leaves, the pain goes too.

walk your talk, jammy.

Passing Up

So so, I missed the love boat. I thought I would not regret passing up on the opportunity to delegate the country for the 33rd SSEAYP. Sayang talaga. Lesson learned: Just Go. No more reasons and excuses.... Just GO. Listen to elders/mentors (probably too). Tigas kasi ng ulo. haaaay

I've been passing up on a lot of opportunities. I'm just really stubborn. Luck can only give me a lift upto the terminal. What I do at the terminal is my responsibilty. There are only two options: hesitate to take the ride and miss it or purchase the ticket and get in the bus come what may.

I was not so hesitant when I was a kid. I'd go for anything, even when my life is at the risk. lolz.. I remember climbing a post of what used to be a swing and sit on top of it just to "tambay" and "kwentuhan with my cousins (occupying the rest of the post...usually it's ate kim, carlo, ate mimi or gerald or ina or mira). Sometimes, the tambay ang kwentuhan becomes a "yabang fest" . "Yabang fest", i.e. the conversation with "Ako ang pinaka ______" tapos talent show na...u know, ,pakita mo yabang mo...it is all about payabanan really. One time, when things are getting so competetive among the Maramag cousins chilling on top of the swing post, We were competing for the best "No Hands Balancing on the Post". Me being so yabang, let go off the bars and shouted " I am God, infinity times two."

Guess what happened.... and you guessed it right.lolz

See, I'd do anything without hesitation...then.

I guess when one gets older... one loses the bold spirit and becomes more of the darn coward. The coward that fears for her fragile life.

There are a lot of things I haven't done in a long time because of fear. I fear, I fear, I fear.
These are a few:

• Dare riding thrilling (roller coaster, anchor's away, space shuttle.. etc). Last ride was when I was still in gradeschool.
• Visit "Bahay ng Lagim" and the likes. ahahaha I know the mumu isn't real but i'm still scared.
• 360 degree turn/body flip (vertical turn not horizontal) .

SIGH...

I better do something about this ....growing old issues. lolz

BUT NEXT YEAR.... I will not pass up on the chance for SSEAYP.

NOW... if anything is offered to me, I'll show much enthusiasm to do it.

Wish me luck.

The Rule of Thirds

Just a brainfart...not meant to make sense.

just a gender tease.

I remember a scene from the movie American Pie (just not sure which specifically) where the girls were talking about "the rule of thirds"

por ejemplo: when asked, How many times did u get laid?

Add 3 from the girl's claim.
Subtract 3 from the guy's claim.

To really get the answer.

Ahaha... wala lang. naalala ko lang

Rings true.

Guess no gender is really ahead in honesty.

Doing It The Healthy Way

I'm getting there friends, just be patient with me.

I'm slowly cutting back on things I was so addicted in the past. Attending too much BMR gigs (I love them still but it is time for me to re-prioritize) made me take in too much smoke and alcohol. And yes, I really need to cut back on smoke and alcohol. So instead of attending 3 BMR gigs per week, I go jogging 3 times a week. Better right? I'll still go see them atleast once a month. I think thats fair game.

I feel so lucky again, hehehe, having supportive friends. My C3 buddies are so understanding. They understand why it takes me a long time to get there --because I'd rather briskwalk than take a tryc ride. They tolerate my healthy diet as well. I'm starting to like fruits once more. I make real juice now --it is really rewarding.

*clap clap clap*

They may never know how much they helped me with this shift of lifestyle. Nakakatamad kasi when your doing it alone. Sometimes, a buddy would encourage you to do the first step and help you through the hard phases.

Ain't I lucky?

Conditioned Response

I'm getting the knack of things....hmmmmm all sorts of things. i'm just amused to figure them out.

Adjust. Discern. Compromise. -Hmmm... pano ko ba sasabihin ng di kailangan ng sobrang elicit details. Let's just put this way. I have this tendency to be "selfish" pag ayaw ko...ayaw ko. But I guess I've been "selfish" too long. So someone's gonna have a blast (Yes, Congratulations to you lucky winner..hehehe) So it is a compromise between two arrogant people with somehow "selfish things in mind". There, I am adjusting. Of course, I really thought hard about it just so (atleast) I convinced myself that "it is perfectly fine". (Although, I wished there was another way..pero wala e.. so GO na). Seriously, I thought about it because I don't want to end up "picking myself up" --im too lazy to do that again, y'know? If I let it happen, then I should know that there is no one to blame but myself and even at that I should be forgiving to the "foolish" girl I've been. So I guess, I'm all in at that part "the selfish part" not the entire being, so to speak. Yun lang nman ang at stake...so I conditioned my mind that its just that. I hear velcro adhesives pulling away Body and Emotion.

Its a show of action not feelings. I am not complaining.

I took a retreat. I didn't try to contact him for about a week to think of reasonable, decent yet not icy way to deal with him. Since we come at opposite ends and not willing to be the first one to disarm ammo, it will really be a bloody bout between us. Sayang naman. So I thought, I should let my guard down atleast for a few days, atleast with him --and love isn't really the reason. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. Let's just see how the balance of "trust" manages on this "quakey" ground.

Condition! Condition! Condition!That word is not new to me. Before the scheduled football games, WE CONDITION. Before WNCAA season starts, WE CONDITION. It's all in the mind. So when you set your mind into something, the body will stupidly submit at the request of the insane brain.I conditioned myself on this one.

I submit - no regrets
No Blaming
If something goes wrong ----------------- RUN.

BBB

Buhay Baboy Brigade.

Syeeeeeeeeeeet, sarap magbuhay baboy.

Kain, tulog, langoy, higa, nguya mahjong.

Bakit kelangan ng umuwi???

Ayoko sa Manila.

Dito na lang sa beach

kasi marap mag chill.

Between 9 and 18

My dad is sent to far regions of the country, sometimes out of the country for work. It takes days. The wait can be heartbreaking. I miss him when he's not here sleeping at night. I cry sometimes when he leaves but I am consoled when he tells me he'll bring home something special for me.

I accompany him when he prepares his clothes and stuffs them all along with his other necessities in a bulky luggage. I watch him and listen attentively in case he forgot something and asks me to fetch it for him somewhere around the house. I'll do it gleefully. Everytime he packs, It is like an episode of "Finders Keepers" (A vintage Nickelodeon show) as he sends me off to find items as he bellows a countdown.

One time, when he's done packing and set the luggage aside I waited until he left the room. I took it and placed a banana in between shirts. I thought he might get hungry because he'll away for days and Mommy can't cook for him.

After the banana, I sneaked sandwhiches on his following trips and sometimes, I slid my own crafty "I Love You Daddy" card and notes.

He is pleased and I get a tight hug and kiss. I smile, shout, jump triamphantly because I know I made his day right.

That was 17 years ago, I remember.

It's different now. Nothing seems to be familiar in our family except the house. I've lived here for as long as I can remember. I miss growing up.

When I was 9, I can't wait to be 18. Because as I've seen it on TV and fairytales, parties are grand and everyone attends wearing gowns. Each guest trying to outstand another. I yearned for that day, the dance and the kiss.

And now, 18 has gone 5 years ago. I think about playing Mario on a family computer. I've memorized the keys that I can play it with eyes shut. I can ride a bike without my hands controlling it. I watch Beauty and the Beast and know all lines from start to end. I miss the days when everything is just play.

As I grew older, pleasing my dad became a hard task. It was not like "Finders Keepers" anymore. Then, I gave up on it. I don't exactly remember when but I think it was the time when I met my first bf.

Bit by bit, we grew apart and hardly spoke to one another. Because when we talk, we usually end up arguing --so we rather not talk or I rather not speak with him. Arguements are brutal in this family.

Eventually, I grew numb. Growing up is hard and unforgivingly painful.

But now that I'm older, I know that it is not late to patch things up with my dad. He's still young and I am much mature to understand the things I didn't understand between the ages 9 and 18.

Carla and I

Speaking so Pokerwise

I got a new theory,

Requited love
...is just one lucky penny richer than an obsession.
...is the pot money on a poker (championship) tournament,low stack-betting 'All in' then getting the entire pot to oneself.

the chances?
1 in 220 hand deals. Much like having pocket aces.

Am I that lucky? --or just a high risk taker, betting 'all in' in a not so promising hand.

Easter Reflection 2006

It's not pride that I am holding on to. It is more than just saving face for the sake of the entire family, profession or whatsoever. What is important to me is possessing secure moral character. Not to boast ofcourse, it is the least reflection of my being but it is to bring me to better senses spiritually. It is to hear God's soft spoken voice in this very mad and disorienting world.

I would not deny His great influence in me. Although, I cannot say I am a reflection of a quintessential Catholic/Christian. Speaking independently, I would like my spirituality be a personal and intimate kinship with God. Meaning, not following another person's spiritual path. Though, it doesn't mean that I belittle their faith. I only think that we have our own ways to show our reverence to Him and that whatever manner we choose to show it should not be anyone's platter of scrutiny.

My Fall, My Amulet
Temptation is really a hard battle to conquer. But as I grew older, recalling all the cuts and bruises and even death encounters, I became wiser and responsible of my actions. But being wise and responsible does not guarantee that I am absoluted from sinning. If so, then I shouldn't have any problem with strict diet because that's an easier task, should I? I fail but I am not a failure.

What is in temptation that lures me to sin? I thought about it for quite sometime and I came to the realization that it is a delusive carnal need. It is self-gratifying, nothing more. It deludes me to bargain on something that is less than what I need. It deludes me decide appropriately. It butters me up to want something that is temporal. It fuels my selfish desires. It is so hard to resist: bargain, psuedo-need and want.

But it is possible not to be persuaded by such temporal calls. And that is, God's voice.

It is The Voice that I would not want to fade faintly from my earshot. Everything falls apart when I cannot find the thread of His guidance in the wind. He is my amulet to ward away temptation.

Like, Love, L**t
My heart is treacherous vessel of my hopes and desires. Sometimes, my heart dictates to the mind --the seat of wisdom-- what is best for the entire self. The heart fails sometimes to coo the mind in submission and it surprisingly succeeds often times.

Though, at this point and age, I am aware of the beating of the conniving creature. So I am at best footing to secure myself together and protect myself from further injury.

It is not just being frigid. It is just a matter of how I value my security and I hope you have no intention of screwing it up. Nothing wrong with your manhood, I don't really mind it.

The Man
I love my man. If I decide to whom I will be with, I want it to be lasting. As yet, I haven't met him but I am not complaining nor am I impatient of his tardiness/absence. It is thrilling. Waiting is a lovely phase of getting ready --atleast I think so.

A word to the wise was handed to me by two happily married women (they are not affiliated to each other in any way) that their husbands are truly God sent. Both relayed to me that they specifically wished for 'the man' they want to share life with. They prayed eagerly and really went to the details (as petty as height, weight, profession to moral character) in petitioning. But there is a huge sacrifice to go with the prayer. It is sacrifice. To give up something that is of carnal interest.


....
I gave up something to meet you. I love you and I will forever be faithful to you. This Easter, I had a long reflection and I thought of you too.

Happy Easter
....
*some details are omitted because it is too personal to air online.

I dont know if this makes sense at all

I couldn't sleep. I practically immersed myself into reading 5 chapters of the lengthy "Bachelor List" by Jane Feather to put me to sleep -yet failed, surprisingly.

Who am I fooling? How can I sleep when half of me is still thinking of you? There's no escaping you now, since I've graciously ushered you in my thoughts long ago. Had I known the consequences of this self-destruction, I wouldn't be so cordial to you --maybe.

A fool I am truly. I resent that I danced to your ploy then fall gracefully on your manipulative hands. I can't forgive myself on this lapse of judgement. You had me as soon as your eyes laid on me. Was that easy? Was I an easy prey?

Thus, as I find it fitting, I leave my fate to you --mighty predator. The responsibility is solely yours now. The prey won't even dare fight back. Submissive and quite trusting I come closer to your den.

I never dared to pry anyone's business even if it was in the way across mine. I thought that was polite and righteous. I have only collected parcel knowledge of your land --of your "geography" as you quote the old man. I could never ask probing questions unless you've given me permission to enter your kingdom --and meet with your vast and contradicting kings inside you.

I write to had it known to anyone who preys on my heart, my body, my thoughts, my spirit, my being or whatever I may possess that deemed huntable that I don't find it fair that I am only desired maliciously.

It's not I despise you.
I actually love you.

But if this uncertainty prolongs and it delights you even more. I wouldnt scorn you for the mockery or sincerity or the things in between. I let it happen. I am your most willing accomplice and victim.

I never lived a life of denials or regrets.

I did let you know that I love you.
That is enough for me to hold.

CDE Sec 1 Reunion

JUST FEW days ago, I met with my college CDE Sec 1 classmates. I'm glad the reunion pushed through. We decided to meet at Jack's Loft, Eastwood. Old habits die hard, same girls were late as it was during college days.

There, we set our out of town reunion. Some weekend on May @ Tagaytay.
I hope to see everyone =)

...

March 18,2006.
We planned a beach weekend as soon as the school year 2005-2006 ends. It is the perfect date to watch the meteor shower. Although, we failed to ask from which direction would it be visible. But were still the hopeful fools and stared at the sky for as long as we can.

'I will really miss everything' Mac told me while he gazed far to the sea then at the night sky but never looked at my face. I can taste the sadness of that night but I didn't really take notice until I heard him say those words.

Ignoring the seriousness in the air as he speaks, I cut him short, 'Everything will still be the same. I will visit you guys and meet you for coffee after class. Nothing will change except that I am leaving the workplace.'

'No. It won't be. You will meet other people and be friends with them. Then, all your time will be with them. It won't be the same.' He muttered.

I knew that. He was right.

'Di na tayo sabay mag log-off tpos punta sa C3. Di na tayo mag-oovertime at mag tutugtugan jammings. It really won't be the same.' He proved his point.

I won't be staying long at the faculty room to check papers and do menial tasks most teachers do. There will be a long list of I won't and I can't with my friends I met back there.

It won't be the same.

And we did not see the meteor shower.

Games People Play

Oh the games people play now
ev'ry night and ev'ry day now
Never meaning what they say, yeah
never saying what they mean.

And they teach you how to meditate
read up your horoscope and change your faith
and furthermore to hell with hate
Come on and give me some more, and more, and more.

Na na na Na na na Na na 2x
Talkin'bout you and me, yeah
and the games people play.

First your're giving up your sanity
turn your back on humanity, yeah
and you don't give a damn, a damn, a damn

--Games People Play, Inner Circle

Let's talk about the games people play now. I can't [any longer] put a blind eye over the exchange of ill words over some individuals close to me. How could I not notice how each of my friends are given below the belt blows.

What happened to PEACE LOVE AND REGGAE?

I am excited to find out what these feebles would say about me. Go ahead. SHOOT

That's the game people play now. Pull you down when you are getting somewhere. Just because they couldn't move any longer.

BORACAY

Im missing everything about Boracay now. Three days and two nights aren't enough to spend on a fine beach --atleast not for me. How I wish I could stay for 2 weeks to a month.

On the lighter side though, the trip is just what I need to escape the work jitters. I'm as eager as my students for school closing day to come and start summer beach bumming. What else can I say, I just love sun, sand, beach and skim...(ok, beachbum hunting too)

Beach bum hunting. Something about the local guy-skimmer-henna tattoo artist - reggae band guy that makes me weak --kilig weak. But it ends there. There are no future plans attached --just the present.

I mostly bummed solo during my stay on Bora. I like it that way than go girl-talk *shivers*. I basked on the sun like 'daing'. But unlike the 'daing'; mine was self-imposed, the daing was deprived of the ocean and executed to death to feed mankind *nyak, corny*.

Since I kept a hurried vacation, I promised myself that I'll do the most out of the trip. So I mingled with the locals. I just find it much interesting to experience the trip the local way. Since as I have mentioned previously --i hate girl talk.

I found skimmers along shore and I stalked one of them. I really must be enchanted because I stalked him from Station 1 upto the long stretch of Station 3 ( I AM NOT KIDDING) . He skimmed from the first station to the last. If he can skim that far -- I can stalk that far too. AHEM!

My housemates aka college friends are wondering where I am (while stalking) and what was I doing. I didn't lie.. I told them I have gone --hunting. They left the house to meet me somewhere on Station 2. I found another interesting thing to do --beach football with the locals ofcourse (well, mostly at least).

I didn't hesitate to pass the ball back to William (local guy) and chatted with him while juggling and passing balls. He offered skimming lessons but I couldn't pass up playing beach football 3 on 3. I didn't mind if I was the only girl. I played mostly 'last man' but I scored a goal too. So fun.

I got acquainted with several foreigners of different nationalities --Koreans, Bulgarianss, Norwegians, Australians and Americans.

I Couldn't Say Goodbye

Ghaad, what can I say? I couln't resist my lovers...Winston, Dj and Laurence.
That's what I call my 'faithful bfs'

Go figure.

To my lovers... happy valentines!

Let Me Sleep

I couldn't sleep! I don't think I should tip that mug of raspberry mocha kiss --nope, i don't think so.

I am guilty or I just feel bad.

I'm not sure if I had been insensitive and tactless about speaking out. Sigh, I don't really know. But at this point, I've been served more than I can chew. No more details. Less talk means less mistakes.

Catching Up with Poker Friends

Another Thursday Night with Lei, Iza, Tan and Toti.

And at that time, I am praying we won't head into any serious vehicular accident. Lolz


and we didn't, so we took another one. Hehehe

Boracay Gone Bad

A remedy to a burnt-out condition is beach bummin' on a weekend.

My college friends and I planned a Boracay weekend (that's gonna be exactly next week). Should be slacking and blissfully pre-bora dreaming but I am haunted by pre-bora nightmares --so it is true, there was a massive oil-spill on an open shore 10 km away from island of Boracay. Darn luck. WHY NOW?

I know better now. Next time we plan another sun-sand and skin fun --DO RESEARCH.

The best thing I can do at the moment is pray that the oil-spill didn't reach the shores of Bora

Part 2 (fiction)

'What do you call each other?' she probes.
'Many things and thousand names', I said amusingly.
'Like what?'
'Like sweetie, dearie, fido dido, habipti, habibi ...'
'Fido dido? habifi what??' she interrupted out of confusion.

I just laughed at her reaction. She wouldn't understand because these are things beyond our intimacy. Only my heart and his heart speaks in this language. It is a binding language.

'So are you lovers now?' she probes some more.
'We're not. I love him.'
'And he loves you?', she sneered and raised a brow. I thought for a moment --the moment took a really long time. 'See, you aren't sure about him. So why put up with him? Geeez, there are other guys above his league why not pursue them?' She sneered and she really got the knack of doing it.'

'You wouldn't understand. It is just what it is and please don't ask me to explain because there is no way you would know how things are between us --him and me.

-- silence.

'and between you and me;' I told her, ' I really don't know. But in this uncertainty, I am knowing him more. I'm fascinated in him and that's that.'

Part 1 (Fiction)

'Why do you pursue?' my companion asked me.
'Pursue what?' I asked back, although I am pretty sure of what she was asking me about, I just would like to annoy her even more.
'Your intimacy with that guy. Why do you expose yourself to a relationship --that you have no certainty of happening at all -- with a highly narcissistic man.'

I took a fraction of the carrot cake and revelled on it before I spoke again --that made her even more irritated but thats how we show endearment towards each other.

'You got it all wrong. Nothing is wrong in being intimate with someone. I am intimate with you as I am intimate with him. Intimacy as it is known to me isn't tangible. It is the relaxed state of our being in the absence of walls and privacy; trust is the binding commitment and even trust is intangible. Intimacy is the union of twin souls not the bodies where they are trapped in.'

She didn't say anything. It is either she didn't undertand a thing I said or I am highly philosophizing again. Thus, I insist on elaborating -- an excuse so we could talk about him more.

'I trust him to respect me and I respect him so he will trust me.'
'Haven't you had enough failed relationships to be hopeful still?' she bantered cynically.
'Enough? It is never enough until I find my twin being and only the hopefuls truly find their twin hopeful.'

I was shocked with what I just said. It was maybe my soul trying to defend what she has found --her twin soul.

We stopped talking because we both noticed the coffee getting cold.

Pocketful of Rainbows

Pocketful of Rainbows
(Letra y música de Wise - Weisman)
I don't worryWhenever skies are gray above Got a pocketful of rainbowsGot a heart full of love
Mister HeartacheI've found a way to make him leaveGot a pocketful of rainbowsGot a star up in my sleeve
Kiss me extra tenderHold me extra tight'Cause I'm savin' your sweetnessFor a lonely night, ayeAye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye
No more teardropsNow that I've found a love so trueI got a pocketful of rainbowsGot an armful of you
Kiss me extra tenderHold me extra tight'Cause I'm savin' your sweetnessFor a lonely night, ayeAye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye
No more heartachesNow that I've found a love so trueGot a pocketful of rainbowsAnd an armful of you
Rainbows...Rainbows...

Lost (E.C.)

I am lost but I am too arrogant to admit my oafishness; on where I am going, or at the least, what state I am now.

I am embarrassed because tonight isn't my first time to be in this area. Standing at this familiar block at this particular street. I know I have passed this way before. I have been here many times, I recall. I stopped counting after 10.

I remember driving around with some guy. We were lost too. I shared memorable kisses worthy of 'Best Kiss' Award. But I wonder, why? Why is it everytime I find myself here, I am lost. It is the same story; only, different leading man.

The story started and ended in the same place. Not simultaneously; though, one after the other. If I was paid like Julia Roberts, I would be a grand miillionaire for all the love stories ---gone bad.

But I am not a movie star. Although, It is my story.

Never heard anything from my past leading men since. As certain as that, I am surely lost again.

I wonder too, how well they are all doing now. Something about this place that causes amnesia to those who dare to drift here. Forgetting is most often the ending.

Had I known that there was a 'No Entry Sign', I wouldn't have dared to set foot here. Although, I thought, I might have just missed the sign because I was preoccupied with flirting with my then leading man.

SEE! I have been here many times! And I find myself lost... again. What has caused this place to be wrapped in poignant enigma. Who would cast a spell like this? I've seen many others, that seem to be, as lost as I am. Disorriented... so confused.

Tonight, you are my leading man. Lead me somewhere that is not here, i wish. Seem like we are lost nowhere but we could be actually lost somewhere. Somewhere seems promising than nowhere. The only exact location I could say about my whereabouts is that, I am right beside you and u are so close beside me.

You seem content to hold my hand. Content to gaze into my eyes. Eager for another kiss. It doesn't even matter to you that we are lost. In fact, you seem to be amused with the thought of being lost.

You're teasing me again. You keep on pushing that I am into you. Yet while you are saying it, I kind of heard you say... you are into me. I didn't hear it well though, I am not confident about what I heard. So, I stir the voice and the thought away.

I wonder, how we will make this place our own? So, we could say we aren't lost anymore. We could say, we are where we are supposed to be; HOME. Maybe, that's possible, -isn't it?

Leaving this place? I don't know how. Although, I know finding our way out of this place would make me see you lucidly. Flaws and feathers. Finding our way out would mean revelation. The story, afterall, may not always end up in the confines of this lost city. Maybe our story will not end up like what I had with the other leading men.

Enchanting isn't it. At some point in our lives, we have been frequenting this place. But today is special for both of us. Today, I am lost with you.

Did that sound comforting to you? I find it a bit conforting but a lot more alarming.

LOST.. scary but with you it is kind of comforting... for a while.

I admit, my sense of direction is bad. Now, I found the courage to ask you, to look into your eyes, to see the destination you are hoping to go to.

"Where are we going?"
"What state is it?"
"What state is between infatuation and love? "
"I think, we are lost somewhere in between."

######
*Experimental Composition

2005 Jigsaw Puzzle

At the eve of New Year, I cannot ignore the need to assess the events of the retiring 2005. I don't know what dramatic influence came into me. I imagined the passing year as a jigsaw puzzle on its completion as 2005 and 2006 overlaps .

2005 was on an off start. It was a mirage of hopes and cloaked lies since the setting of year 2004. It is an ill-starred event that I became cognizant of all these mean guises. February was not a favorable month for me. It was such a jinxed month. I lost my wallet, and along with it, I lost a great amount of cash, memories, cards and identity. That same month, I almost died too due to anaphylaxis. The closest encounter with death I've ever had. It was, although, the event that brought me to my senses. It was an omen. I was just too inattentive to recognize the previous signs that it had to be that way.

I guess when you love, you are blinded. Everything that exist seem to pass out of existence. I desisted to rationalize and became too emotionally attatched. I claimed ownership of a love that was never mine. I was sightless and aimless and almost lifeless.

Overcoming anaphylaxis means cheating death. But a death in me was due. I became a different person. A part of me died, with it I bury all the sadness, pain, anger, regrets and everything else that is pulling me apart. I buried even the thought of the only person (not including relatives) I love for he refuses to make a decision.

There you go, my very first pieces of 2005. Not a promising picture.

Over summer, I met a few acquaintances. A brief but influential "just passing by" individuals. They were my beacons to my life's little alteration. I met two interestingly sweet guys but I know there's nothing more to that. Now, I reflect on their importance to me, they taught me to "take it easy" because I may have been really "uptight". Maybe, I overplanned or overmapped my life and as we all know OVER is never ENOUGH it is always TOO MUCH. So I need a little tweaking. I'm not saying I threw planning to the bin but right now, I worry less and I embrace the present more.

As summer ends, I kept the company of my acquaintances. I was dragged to unfamiliar places . I was dragged to Xaymaca (Timog). The highlight of the year 2005. There, I sought refuge from the past traumatic events. There, I found myself. I set my foot there and I felt like a seed growing leaves one after the other and bloomed. I was different. Happy, content and not worrying at all. Everything in Xaymaca seem to be conducive in my growth. I seek nurture every Friday.

New friends, new place and new life.

I look again at the puzzle pieces that i make out of 2005. Half way through, it looked better than I thought it would be. The pieces make sense now.

I remember a night while I was going to Xaymaca to watch Brownman Revival, the driver asked me,

"Saan ang shooting?" and I was like a bit swayed and replied,
" Manong, di po sa GMA mismo, sa Xaymaca lang. Gigimik lang po."
I know he was mocking me because he even asked,
"Ala ka pa asawa no? Asan ang BF mo?".
Irritated, I answered back, "Wala po." and let out an irritated kind of laugh.
And he said shockingly, "Wala kang BF? Ang yabang mo namang dalaga."
I didn't really get what he meant by that. So it sort of became a buggling thought... Mayabang ang binibining walang BF?

Then, I it dawned into me, I am arrogant because I felt that I don't need a BF. I was so pleased to be on my own. I am content. No one seems to equate... Mayabang nga. ahahaha.

Simultaneously, I felt odd because I am not feeling any other emotion but just happiness and the sort of contentment. I haven't cried for a long time! I was stone-cold numb. I cannot help myself on that area for a long time but how I wanted to feel... human.

I was so indifferent to myself. Yet so accomodating to friends. I was very submissive but numb. I cannot even sympathize with break ups and love problems. If they talk to me about it, I listen and lay out a plan and not a tissue roll. I don't even read love quotes / messages until now.

I did falter on other areas. I lost inspiration to work. I'm burnt out. My mind toyed on leaving. What it is that I want is not so clear.

As 2005 marks its last days, I met a man by chance. The oddest of the oddest way to meet such an amazing individual. A passionate, romantic, quick-witted, driven, determined and cultured person. Practically, all I ever wanted for a man. Although, he is highly narcissistic. He is aware of the brilliance of his existence. He is not bashful to out-shine even the sun. I must say, he has changed. His narcissistic frequency lowered to the comfort zone of toleration. He isn't that hard to admire. In fact, he is very adorable.

I appreciate his influence in me. He cured me of my numbness. I regained my love for literature. I started writing again. I set my life back on course. Now, I found enough reason to pursue my goals.

Life is a sweet dance with destiny. I couldn't be more awed. I am thankful all these events have passed my life. I almost did not make it after the first quarter of 2005 but I did. I am delighted to find out that as the year sets for 2006 to rise, I lived to become a better, grounded yet ambitious, light-loaded person.

Before I lay my last jigsaw puzzle piece to complete year 2005. I will mark the last piece to remind me of your influence. I treasure you.

You naively asked me if you complete me. I find it hard to answer. I'm honest and I am not used to saying things just to sway people and make them blush with flattery. I don't want to feed the lion in you, as well.

But I must say, you sealed my 2005. I couldn't say you complete me because my life isn't done yet. As I live the days to come, if you are still with me then maybe the time would come that I'll tell you that you complete me. But that would be maddening to look forward to right now. At this point, I'd like it to be known that I look forward to see you and spend time with you.

There, my last piece. A part of you fits a part of me.